Positivity

Positivity brings you so far. I never imagined that I would feel so strong. I feel like the break up between him and I changed my whole life, as I am appreciating things I have never done before. I have a test and presentation in a couple hours, but I will finish this post when I can.

The next couple of weeks are going to be busy as I am getting myself involved. And putting myself out there. It's time to step out of my comfort zone and network, and establish connections. Other than having a couple friends in my classes, I haven't really found a circle of friends to hang out with. You know how we all have our school friends, and then our other friends where you actually chill and do stuff outside of school with? Yeah. I tried inviting my friends to go do something but none of them bother really take a initiative. I guess I'm gonna have to try to start at the clubs at my school. I'm only in three clubs: student government association, asian student association, and the gay straight alliance. I've only been to the meetings for all of them a couple times, but stopped going because my schedule changed. And this spring, the majority of the club meetings are at noon and I have class then. I guess instead of sitting around I can email the President and ask on the upcoming events for each club, yeah? That way, my college experience could be more memorable. They always say that college should be the best years of your life, and so far my experience is dull. Time for a change, really. 


I also decided that I will be working part time to help out in regards to financial stuff for my mom. My mom suggested that I work at her nail salon on weekends so that's that. She told me to go paint my own nails for practice and she gave me some instructions so I'm currently practicing on my own nails right now. That's not something I would want to admit to anyone haha. On top of that, I've applied to several Starbucks as a Barista so I'm waiting to hear back from them. I'm in the process of applying to other places also just in case Starbucks doesn't pull through. A caramel frap sounds awesome right now. Mmmmmm..

Edit @ 11 am: I am in the library right now on the second floor. The music appreciation test that I had today was really easy, which I shouldn't get used to because my professor told us that the first test he made "easy." The first two units are just terms and definitions. I asked him about how the tests were gonna be the whole year and one good thing is that he only does multiple choice combined with true/false tests. My professor is outrageously monotone-y and that class bores me. Music appreciation class is probably one of the worst and boring classes I have taken thus far, but I guess your experience depends on how well your professor is. 

I did not sleep at all last night. It's the first time in a long time I pulled an all nighter. I'm really exhausted right now. I think I'm starting to get sick also. Nothing that serious, just a sore throat, not to mention itchy also. And a cough, along with runny nose. Looks like this might be a flu or something because my mom's boyfriend was sick last week and stayed home ALL week. He's fine this week but it looks like I might of caught his germs. My bed is definitely calling for me. I have one more class that begins at 12 so I'm just trying to kill time. I'm sitting at a different spot from where I usually sit.

 Edit @ 2/2/11 12:23 AM: Well it turns out that my laptop battery decided to die on me while I was blogging. I forgot to bring my laptop charger but that explains the sudden topic change. Mmm well I'm getting better in terms of this sickness I got. I ate lots of fruits and I also took Nyquil last night. I learned in psychology that most of the cold medicines out there are phony. It's a multimillion dollar industry and as we all know, colds are usually caused by a virus. And there's no medicine out there to get rid of viruses that cause the common cold. The cough drops are also phony. They're just placebos. Interesting discussion, because I was reminded that Nyquil makes you sleepy, and someone in class mentioned something about cough medicine and Nyquil. My professor says that Nyquil has a low percentage of alcohol in it that makes you sleepy/drowzy and that's the reason why you "knock out." Knocking out = sleep. Sleep = immune system kicks in and you feel better the next morning. There's medicines out there for the symptoms of cold, but there's no true medicine that gets rid of the virus itself. It makes sense.

I gotta get to bed now. I have a long day tomorrow because I'll be in the library all day studying. Probably gonna stay there til the afternoon hours. Many tests and quizzes coming up.. I'll try to post tomorrow.




Anthony

Kristina and pets

Today was a good day. Awesome 70 degree weather, and frisbee with sister at the park? What more can I ask for, haha. It's been so long since I felt this kind of weather. It just snowed a couple weeks ago and now it's all warm. I think Spring is around the corner! Or actually not really, because it looks like the temps are dipping back down to 40's next week. With rain also. Whaaat. This makes me miss all the aspects of California. It's always summer over there, even if it's winter. It's summer there.

I woke up around 9 and began my day with breakfast. On the days that I have school, I usually don't wake up early enough to make breakfast because I'm always in a rush. I usually head out the door an hour before class begins. It takes about 30 minutes to drive to school, sometimes longer because of traffic or finding parking. Parking is a little difficult to find because students who have 8 am classes gets to grab the good decks first. My first class is music appreciation which starts at 9. I'm guaranteed to have a bad parking spot each time I head to school. That is, unless I park in the last deck or somehow get lucky and find one near the building. Parking in the last deck is quite a walk, but it's alright. The walk is usually relaxing because I love the cold air in the morning. The only times where the air seems good to me is in the cold mornings, and also during sunsets. The cold mornings usually wakes me up while the sunset air brings the calm to me. It's great to be outside especially when you catch the sun getting ready to set because the sky has those orange-y, pink, and blue colors. There was one day last summer where I was walking with TP, my ex, around the swimming pool and tennis court area.. there's a green grassy field in between the two.. We were sitting down next to each other, and the sky began to show signs of the sun getting ready to go down. We stopped talking to watch the sunset. It was one of those moments you can never forget. Listening to the birds chirps die down while looking up at the sky with him - Wow. It was a lovely sight.

Anyways, my school has these flowers planted around each building, in a specific pattern and I walk past by these pink and blue colored flowers near the music building, and it just has a strong, natural fragrance. I don't know how to explain it, but just know that the smell is so awesome. Despite walking from the last parking deck, I somehow still manage to get to class "just in time," so it's all good.

I made french toast for the first time today. It was alright, but I could of used less eggs. The recipe I looked at called for two eggs, when really I think one is enough. The french toast tasted like eggs even with the syrup. It was funny because my sister thought the french toast was actually scrambled eggs! Utter fail. I had strawberries on the side along with a nice cup of orange juice and also some warm oatmeal. Satisfaction? Yeah. I really enjoy cooking I'm bound to get sidetracked and talk about all the different things I make. If you have any recipes that are delicious.. send them away! I'm looking to expand my horizons and I am open to try anything new. Though recently, I've been focusing more on Italian dishes lately. I have a thing for Italian food for some reason. Irresistible. The highlight dinners of this week that I made include chicken pasta and shrimp scampi, which was a total success by the way! It was an instant hit. My mom isn't very fond of American food or anything that I make, because she's used to eating Vietnamese food but I made her try the chicken pasta and scampi. She loved it. My sister is sure darn lucky to have a bro like me.

I didn't get to mention the idea of getting a pet to my mom the other day, but I did get to talk about it today. We basically talked about Kristina's defiant and rude behavior at home, and I told my mom this arises from who watches over her. To make a long story short, she agrees that it would be best for the family for me to watch over her on days I am available. I also suggested getting a pet to help with this process, but she's afraid of it getting fur everywhere. Originality, my sister and I wanted to get a house cat. I'm equally a cat and dog person by the way. Funny thing is that my sister and I were so sure that my mom was gonna say yes, so we decided to look up the cats we wanted from our county's shelter website. She did say yes, but that answer later changed. We were soo ready to adopt it and everything because my mom was alright at first, but then she talked to her boyfriend and that changed everything. She is now convinced that it would be a hassle to handle the fur. I'm sure the rewards of having a pet outweighs the hygiene of the pet - plus I heard that cats are naturally clean due to their nature of licking their own fur. But it's alright, I'll just have to listen to what she says.

Time to wrap things up cuz I have some homework to work on.

Well I gotta work on this project I have for my English comp class due on Monday. I gotta do a presentation with my partner, who seems to be lagging on his part (dude never checks his email). He has been absent for a while so I'm not sure what's going on, because he hasn't contacted me yet. I also have a test for music appreciation and I am definitely not  ready. 

Thinking back to the facebook "like" page I saw on my news feed, "reaching the point where harmless procrastination meets "oh god im screwed". Yep.. so that like page now explains my situation, lol. 

I'll try to have another post up tomorrow.

Anthony.

New role in family

Very often during the hot summer, my sister Jennifer and I would take a leisure walks around my neighborhood. My neighborhood is large with only one entrance to go "in and out." The structure of the houses are built very similarly and all the houses look somewhat similar. No, the houses here aren't like those of Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands.

To give you an idea, what really sets the houses apart from one another is the appearance. These houses in my subdivision are large two story family homes big enough for a family of say 8 or more people. This sets the stage for the kinds of people that live here. I don't know what kind of jobs the other folks have in my subdivision, but I can tell you on my street alone there are people with office jobs/engineering/business owners. It is pretty much expensive to live here, and my mom is the only one paying off the bills. Like most Vietnamese people, she works and happens to be the manager at a nail salon in Downtown Atlanta. I/We have just enough to live off of, but that comes with a price. The price of her own leisure is gone. She has to work seven days a week in order to meet the expenses of this house. She leaves work around 8 or 9 the morning, comes home exhausted, around 9 in the evening. The commute to work isn't all that great with the rush hour morning traffic. I've been to work with her several times and a commute that would usually take 30 minutes, takes double that because of the congestion. Her life is not that easy, yet she still manages to provide what she can for my siblings and I. Oh and I forgot, she provides for what I see as a "pest" in the house - her boyfriend. I do not have a say so, but I can tell you that there are many things that I dislike about him, such as his laziness to clean after himself, his drinking behavior, and his ability to manipulate my mom. As much as I like to say something, I won't dwell on those degrading actions of his because you can't change someone who refuses to change themselves. I have tried mentioning it several times to my mom, but she doesn't see his damaging behavior like I do because she is used to being around those type of people, cough cough, her previous boyfriends. I don't blame my mom because her past relationships haven't been all that great. I know I am the only hope for her, and this strength to turn things around is going to have to come from within. There's no reason to cause a fuss because this isn't like a life or death situation. I've seen a lot of ugly things from Kristina's (my 3 year old sister) dad. If I have the capability to make it through what horrible things Kristina's dad did, then I'm equipped to handle any situation.

I know I am not suppose to assume the role of a parent in this household. I have talked to one of my friends about moving to California to go to college over there, but there are several factors preventing that from happening. Firstly and most importantly, what is going to happen to my sisters when I leave? What about my mom? And the house? It is a selfish thing to do in my opinion to leave everything when I know it will benefit me, but I don't want to have to live with the uncertainly that my younger siblings are growing up in the wrong hands. At least with me around, there is somebody looking over the house passively and making sure my sisters grow up on the right foundations. Each case is different and sometimes when that person is gone, such as me, the parent will have to look over for their own children. But knowing my mom, her behavior is irrational and I can't trust her boyfriend at all. Yes, moving to California and pursuing in my education there will mean leaving everything here behind. It'll be better for me because I won't have to deal with the stress here. But it's a selfish thing to do.. I believe that family is important, and when you feel that you are the only glimmer of hope for your own siblings, who have a blood relation with you, then you should stick around when nobody else is. I can suck it up and be the guard for my siblings. There's high tensions around the house between my mom's boyfriend and I, but I don't let that stop me from providing the proper attention and needs my sisters do. There are many other reasoning, but that's the most important one. The thought of moving back to California is crossed out.

I have to step up my game now, in regards to my sisters. Kristina goes to a caretaker every week and I can tell she does not receive the correct discipline she needs. She is very defiant and says very bad words in Vietnamese. Where does this arise? The people who take care of her. In other words, the caretaker. She is only three years old, and I guess you can say this cussing behavior is not normal of that in a three year old. It's absurd. Did I also mention the caretaker is my mom's boyfriend mother? 

I am thinking on my days off of school and weekends, that I should be responsible in watching over Kristina at home. My school schedule is to where I could watch her every other day. Yes, it is a huge task to watch over her, teach her the correct manners, some English, to sum up basically be a "Dad" for her. It's a lot of work and I know that. I know I am going to have kids of my own someday, so I might as well take it as a benefit for both my mom and I. My mom's benefit is she wouldn't have to pay overpriced fees for this baby sitter who doesn't do any good.  My own benefit is that I'll learn some future parenting. 

I'm also thinking of getting a pet to help along with this also. I know I'm probably gonna go crazy after the first weeks knowing how playful Kristina is, so I kinda envision a pet in the picture to help with this. That way, Jennifer, Kristina, and this "pet" will keep each other company while I am doing my own thing. I'm planning on to talk to my mom tonight about all this, so hopefully she will let me watch over Kristina, which I believe I will provide much much better care for her than the baby sitter. 

On a side note: Kristina is home and is downstairs with Jennifer. I guess Kristina did something wrong and she's being yelled at by him. You really aren't suppose do that.. um. Well time to go downstairs and take her out of this. 

Katy Perry - Firework

I'm having one of those long restless nights again. It's hard leaving something that you love behind - especially when you know that person will be suffering. *beep.. I have to worry about me now.*

I promise to myself that I will become a better person. I am in the process of doing so by my actions. I know I will be loved again. The void that he has left in me will only make me stronger as a person.

In other news.. for some reason, art seems to really interest me now. I took art in 7th grade but I had to drop it to pursue in band. I played the trumpet and french horn during my junior high years. I liked band but had to quit because of moving to the other side of the country. I wasn't so sure of the band requirements in Georgia so ya. I guess I can say I had a passion for it, but now I don't find band appealing. With art, you can express yourself freely anytime.. whether it be in class whenever your professor is boring you, or when you are alone. With band, you really can't take out your trumpet during English class and play it. You gotta do that on your own time. I think I found a new hobby that I can take up. I'm only beginning with sketches of objects with a simple white piece of paper and pencil. I'm gonna have to take it up a notch once I feel comfortable, but it is a relaxing thing for me to draw. I've also been mediating lately. It's incredibly helpful, especially when you do it right before bed. There was one point during my senior year, specifically in my ap gov class, my teacher, Ms. Brown was really stressed out over something personal (she really didn't tell us and we didn't really bother asking) and she decided to invite us into mediating with her. At first, it seemed a bit weird. I was sitting in my seat and we were in the dark, I think it was one of the days of the semester before winter break. Yeah - we were watching a movie but we were free to do whatever we wanted. She was laid back only if we weren't doing something relevant to the course. So anyways, it was basically a lazy day. She went to the middle of the room and sat down, inviting anyone to come. Well, about 8 people came to sat down. (I didn't go unfortunately, but I did try mediating that very night.) It looked like a kumbaya circle with everybody lightly holding hands and closing their eyes chanting that prolonged "UMMmmMMmMMmmmmmMMMmmMM" noise, with deep breaths in between. Yes it definately sounds crazy, but she stated that the vibration from the noise actually travels to your brain and spine and releases stress from your body. It did look and sound crazy with a bunch of my classmates mediating mid morning, but it worked! I tried it myself. I think I might be doing it more often. I have scented candles in my room and light them up - but I am thinking I should go buy new ones because these candles have memories. Yeah, I think I need to go buy new candles for sure.

Here's a video that I always watch. It's so inspirational to me and gets me back on my feet. I didn't really pay attention to the song that much until I watched the video and actually sat down to read between the lines when the lyrics came across my mind. I know this song is so overplayed on the radio, but man watching the video and actually sitting down listening to the lyrics was like a whole new door that was opened for me. Hope to those struggling with whatever life may be giving you, that you find some sort of inspiration through this song..

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Skype with Linda

Amazing conversations. Our conversations are always so chill yet very down to earth and stuff that you wouldn't talk to about with a normal "friend." She's one of my closest closest closest closest friends that I have. We have known each other since 4th grade and I cannot believe that we are still talking right now. We are both in college and are talking! She's shocked too, but that just proves that there are lifelong friendships out there. That's like a 6 year friendship right there and still ongoing today. Even though we had some time where we were not communicating, we found our way back through Myspace. Remember Myspace? I remember everyone in my junior high years had one. It was like the hype of the day. Myspace bulletins with surveys and editing profiles. Seems like everyone migrated to Facebook haha. It's different now. But yeah, I just got done talking to her an hour or two ago through Sykpe. Amazing how time flies. She has such a positive view on life and I admire her. Her Ray of light shines on me whenever I talk to her. You don't find people like that often. I know that her and I will continue to remain friends for life and I'm pretty sure we'll be at each others weddings (She even thinks so too, haha).

I have classes in two hours and I have not gotten sleep. I don't feel tired at all, but I'm starting to crash a little. This is the first time classes will start since the snow storm that shut down ATL for a week. I'm soo ready to go back but I'm exhausted right now.

Still going through some pain involving the break up between TP and I, but I finally found the strength to block him and any mutual friends that did no good being on my "Facebook" friends "list." Funny because one of his close friends, considered to be his "mom" (Facebook family, they see each other like mother-son.) added me on Facebook earlier this week. He has access to her page which I am sure of because he posts statuses and comments on other friends from her page. He admits it even on a status. He posted a status from her page the same night I got the add request. I'm pretty sure it was him that added me. For what reason, I don't know. I accepted it and see if his close friend would say anything - I thought she was gonna do something like send me a message  (being that she helped me in the beginning and gave me advice on what to do with him but went cold turkey afterwards). But she didn't. I'm not gonna have him or anyone from his life interfere with mine anymore. I honestly don't think that he deserves any right to be in my life because he told me to move on. I am only doing what he told me. Grabbin my losses and moving on like there's no tomorrow. He knows where to find me if he ever wants a relationship with me. I'm pretty sure blocking him and Facebook would not stop him from reaching me. He knows my number, email, and where I live. New look on my blog because I think it's time for a breath of fresh air.

About me

Well, I guess I should probably do an about me post. Weird that I haven't really noticed that I've been missing one (at least a short intro). I guess this will be a mere skeleton of who I am. This will probably give you guys an outline of who I am. Nutshell post. More specifics later for those who still remain interested.

• I'm Anthony. Not my real name due to obvious privacy reasons. 
• I'm obviously a male, haha. 
• Asian-Caucasian mix.  
• I grew up without having a father in my life. My mom was absent for the most part of my life until my high school years
• two younger half-sisters.
• Kristina - 3 years old
• Jennifer is 9.
  
• currently living in metropolitan area of Atlanta, Georgia.
• raised in SoCal (Southern California) but moved here during my first year of high school. Big change, all for the better though.
• What moving has done for me: allowed me to find my identity and allowed myself to gain independence.
• What I mean by finding my identity? Well.. basically my sexuality. 

• I'm gay.
• I'm not out to my family, but I am out to my friends. I think it was Oct. 2008 that I finally fully accepted who I am, with the support of my best friends one of which is no longer "my best friend."
• I do plan on coming out to my family in the future. They are not like hardcore religious. In fact, we don't even attend religious services that often. 
• We are "Buddhist." But I am undecided on religion.  
• I'll keep the "gay" part of me quiet until I know that I can support myself out there in this world. Better to be safe than to be sorry.
• I don't fit the stereotypes nor do I feel the need to. Each person has different qualities that make up who they are. There are no guidelines for being yourself.
• Relationships
• I only had one. Really intense relationship and short relationship. 1 month and 3 weeks. Intense as in, everything was there. Although there wasn't a true balance - that could of easily been fixed if communication was better. It makes sense why I started to feel distant from him, because he was trying to pull away. I probably started feeling a little bit distant around month 1. He started to pull away when he found out something about his health that would hinder my efforts in being happy. We just recently "broke up" due to some uncontrollable reasons involving his health. Genuine man. We are currently not talking. I don't know what is in store for the future for both of us, but I am just going with the flow now. 

• I'm humble at first, takes me a while to 'open up'. Most of my friends are girls, and it feels like I'm more comfortable around them than guys. Reason being: Girls are more easier to talk to for me. It's weird because I've always been surrounded by girls when I was younger. School too. I would rarely be around the guys, there was a case in 4th grade where I tried to fit in with the guys - but I spent the majority of the time in recess with the girls. Interesting right? 

• My reason for being here...
• Like a journal, I thought it would be more organized to write out my thoughts on a blog. Yeah, I know I could keep a journal for that. I tried keeping a personal journal but it got tiresome to constantly write down and let alone keep up with the constant pace of my thoughts.

• Interests/hobbies
• On my down time, I like to draw. I'm not an artist, but drawing is one of those activities that lets my mind wander off. It is something that I enjoy doing because it calms me down. I like reading also so if you know of any books just comment below. I'm not really genre specific.
• I don't watch a lot of t.v. When I do watch tv, it's usually the news or something on the National Geographic/Sci/food channel or sometimes cartoons with my sisters. I think my sister, Jennifer is a Disney channel person so I happen to be around whenever she's watching like.. Wizards of Waverly Place/Fish hooks. She likes Nick too so I basically seen all the Spongebob episodes out there 'cause of her, haha.
• I enjoy cooking.  
• Nursing major
• I didn't play any sports in high school. I was basically that humble kid with AP/honors classes. I'm not really athletic, but I'm not out of shape either. I have a fast metabolism, slim, 5"7-ish. I plan on starting a workout plan really soon as soon as I can grab a hold of a gym membership. I'm applying to several places in hopes to get hired so I can have some extra funds. It's true that college students are broke because I know I am.
• I played WoW which was basically my addiction back in the days. Now = I quit. I'm better off spending that 15$ monthly membership fee on food or something :P.

• Misc info

• I'm fairly an optimistic person because of my past. I had constant struggles with my family and my sexuality in the past. I couldn't accept who I was and hid it. But you know what, I know this is who I am. I am me. The past doesn't DEFINE my present or future. Rather, it paved the way for who I am today. My heart was recently broken for the first time. For those that have experienced heartbreak, you know the wrenching emotional pain. I was a zombie for weeks, but now I am stepping into the light. I am coming out as a better person. It hasn't been a smooth road for me, but that's life. It's not always going to be sunshine, but you can only learn how to appreciate the sunshine if you experience the storm. 
• Long ago, in my Junior high years, I remember a classmate asking my teacher(something along these lines) "It would be great to live in Hawaii all the time. That's paradise. Sunshine and warm weather all the time.", my teacher responded: "Well.. not really. I wouldn't want to live in Hawaii all the time, because you won't appreciate the natural beauty if you're with it all the time."
• Simple question, yet it applies to life as well. There are many tourist destinations in the world. Disneyland, in California is an example. I lived near Disneyland at one point of my life, and each night there would be a display of fireworks in the sky at precisely 9 pm, everyday. When I first moved there I thought it was pretty cool to be living near one of the main attractions in California. I mean how awesome is it to see tourists walking around all the time? What about hearing fireworks and seeing them in the sky everyday? Well, after awhile I couldn't appreciate it anymore because it was ALWAYS around. I lived with it. After constant nights of hearing the loud bangs, I finally came to the conclusion that it was ANNOYING to hear those booms and bangs. Now that I moved across the country, I miss it. 
• Ever heard of this line? You don't know what you have until it's gone.. Yep. I'd love to go back to California. The closest thing to California is Florida, which is one state below me. Spring break anyone? :)
• Yeah I tend to go off topic sometimes. My writing will be somewhat unorganized. I just write whatever is on my mind at that moment and that's that.

A touching piece

Alright. I was on youtube, and I came across THIS specific video.

Check it out.
It has so much emotion. It struck a chord in my heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnguqsMQmg4

"that" nightmare

it seems like no matter how I force myself to think of better things, my mind has a way of thinking about him. the same nightmare has been haunting me for a very long time. I told him about it long ago during one of the times i broke contact to send him some helpful information regarding his health. like it was basically a packet designed to fit his needs. his diet is not fulfilled properly because his parents or him don't see it as a big deal. yeah it is a big deal now. one of the symptoms of this thing is loss of appetite so that explains how little he eats. somehow he's gotta take care of himself. i can only put faith in him that he is now taking care of himself regarding this issue. this includes his dietary needs also. cuz you can't fight it with jut medication.. your body has to have the right kind of diet too. I stressed the importance of his diet in that health packet I sent him.. in hopes that it will enhance his strength to fight this battle. internally and externally. I guess it's my conscious saying that I'm still concerned about him. I'm afraid to wake up sometimes because in some dreams, I'm able to talk to him and lend a helping hand.. when I wake up he's gone. that isn't the nightmare tho. that's my dream I get. my brains way of coping? I think so. but here's the counter productive nightmare.. the nightmare that haunts me in my sleep is the one of where he is sitting down in the dark.. I'm above in the light and I see him suffering. in pain, screaming out for help, crying.. and in the nightmare I try to reach out to him and it seems like I can't. so horrific because I wake up feeling helpless in this situation. well I guess I have already drawn my line. since he doesn't want me to suffer for life with him, I just gotta let him handle his battle first. I wish everybody was made healthy. all these illnesses and sicknesses shorten life spans of loved ones that have so much potential. in regards to TP, I do not know to what extent of this thing he has, but I can only trust him that he's doing this for the best.. I never really valued my health like that until this. you see things in another perspective and when you compare what you got to what other people have... you know you have it easier than someone out there who is going through constant pain.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

Detaching

Classes are canceled again for Wednesday. It doesn't look like the snow and ice will melt anytime soon, since temperatures are at freezing point and below the rest of the week. So much free time on my hands now. Going back to my earlier post about my night with TP, it seems like my mind hasn't fully moved on. I'm guess I'm at the anger stage of the moving on process.. thinking back on my relationship with him.. I know I gained something out of this failure.

There are times when I was so close to texting him, but I didn't because it would hinder his and my efforts to move on. He clearly gave the indication that he doesn't want anything to deal with me, so I'm thinking why should I settle for somebody who doesn't want me at the moment? After all, I think it's pretty sad that he failed to give me a proper closure talk when I requested it.



It's incredibly hard. De-taching from someone you love is so hard. It's like.. somebody close to you just died. Not physically. But any contact from them went cold turkey. Everything went sour. One huge text message broke what him and I had. That is so disappointing, being that I gave him my ALL and it seems like he couldn't give a shit about how I felt/what I needed to say because he just REFUSED any contact I made. Hey man, at least have some balls to FACE the consequences of your actions. His response to breaking over text message: "Sorry I can't do this face to face. I can't let you see me cry." Alright, I know you've beeen through a lot in the past. But that doesn't give you a single right for you to escape from somebody you "loved so much" (supposedly) like that. I was your boyfriend. And you can't even give me the same respect I gave you when I asked you out? I mean come on, I asked you out in PERSON and did some pretty special things that nobody in the world would do. And then you break up with me by text. Personally, I dislike his way of handling things like that. He has a history of putting things under the rug, and he still hides his negative feelings today. I don't hate him or anything, it's just the way he handled things - it's different from that of what I would do. If I broke up with someone, alright, the first few weeks it's understandable you don't wanna see or talk to this person. But then after a while, I would give the other person SOME kind of closure face to face. The only time you should break up with a person over the phone or whatever is ONLY if it's LONG distance. But if you're within travel distance, then respect that person by giving them closure. So what if you're gonna cry, it happens. It seems like him and I are at different stages of our lives with relationships. I can say that I'm ready for a strong relationship, whereas he seems to be a little "out there," in terms of knowing what a relationship is about. When evaluating my relationship with him, it seems like things were one sided. Relationships are a two way street.. my best friend also agrees with me that I seemed to give much more than he did. There wasn't a balance.

Again.. thinking back to what he said. "He knows that he's not the one for me and that he's not the best person to date in the future."

I can certainly see that now. I removed my rose colored petal glasses and SEE it all now. He's right. He ISN'T the person for me at the moment. Hey man, instead of putting yourself down like that, why don't you try to be the person I'm looking for instead of giving up? That's what a real man is. He doesn't give up just because of XYZ reasons. He had his flaws in the relationship, which I can see now. He isn't ready for that level of commitment, let alone a relationship. I don't hate him or dislike him or anything like that. In fact, I'm just happy that I seen his other side that was hidden during the relationship. It takes a lot of gut to walk out of a "perfect relationship" so chances of him coming back is slim.

It isn't all about the lovey dovey stuff. But rather how you two, as a couple, handle things together. He's not perfect and I am not either. The thing that matters at the end of the day is the love. It doesn't change just because of the way he handled things or how things went sour. I still love him regardless of what he did, because it takes a lot of gut to stand up and say those harsh things about himself. He has to find self happiness from within because how are you gonna love if you can't even love yourself? We are all human and we make mistakes. I hope one day he sees himself in a greater light. He put himself down a lot, and this isn't the first time in his life he views himself so negatively. I see so much potential in him, and it would make sense for him to one day seek true happiness, cause I can admit that he is living a lie right now. He's not happy. That kid could be looking great from the outside, smiling and whatnot, but his world could be falling apart from the inside. I was in his shoes before, and it was a dark spot in life. But I made it out, and I believe that he will too. At his own pace, he will begin to walk again. I can't predict his direction that he will walk, but if he ever decides to walk in my direction again - I'll be in a better place and he will too.

My actions after the break up weren't so hot either. I wasn't desperate. But to him, my constant contacting with him seemed to be so. that's one thing I learned about break ups - you gotta let the initial shock fade because those emotions will cause you to think irrationally. it certainly made me think irrationally. gotta forgive myself though and not dwell on the issue.

I know for fact.. that the outcome for this situation will be great regardless. I'll be loved again whether it be with another man, or TP. I'll be ready. I have a whole life ahead of me. I'm in college and this is gonna be the best time of my life. I refuse to put myself and him on the pedestal. not a day goes by where I don't think about how he's doing or what he's up to, but some things in life are uncontrollable. they are out of your hands and you have no power to change the situation. the only way you're going to make it out alive ad strong is if you rely on yourself for inner happiness. for him, it will be hard because he needs somebody to hold his hand. until he can find his way, he's on his own. I have no control over what has happened, but one thing is for sure... is that I run this town.

I found this poem on another blog, and thought it was neat. It cheered me up nonetheless.
 

When we risk it all...

We can't blame others when love dwindles away -
For we knew from the start it never promised to stay.

It's just one of those things where the stakes are high -
And sometimes it's forever, and sometimes it's good-bye.

When you love the right way, you will never lose -
No matter what path life may force you to choose.

You may end up with tears, or a broken heart -
But you knew what you signed up for from the start.

You can only give what you've got to give -
And if that's not enough, then you must continue to live.

Life will go on and broken hearts will heal -
You must continue on your quest, for that's the deal.

Throw your heart into life, and never stall -
For the greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.

You see, love is the only thing that we know -
That can be divided and divided but continue to grow.

And life isn't long enough to lock away our heart -
Just because life may have forced two people apart.

We will continue to love and continue to lose -
We will continue to pick and continue to choose.

And then one day we will just risk it all -
Take the chains off our hearts and dismantle the wall.

The last time we love will be the forever -
And never again will our hearts be forced to sever.

We'll never have doubts that it'll go away -
Because this time, it'll be here to stay.

But until then we must endure all the pain -
For we only see sunshine if we can wait through the rain"

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

Where the hell is Matt?

This is awesome.

Dang it..

I just upgraded my facebook profile to the "new" version or whatever. And you know what pictures pop up on the top.. pictures of him and I. Yes, TP and I... for those who haven't been following, my ex.

A rush of emotions and memories rushed through my body. I have to let it out. It was just a couple months ago. We were reaallly happy.. together.. nothing could stop us from what we had. Or so it seemed at the time.. The pictures of us were from homecoming. It was his homecoming actually, and I can't exactly remember the theme. I didn't plan on going to dinner/homecoming with him and it was a last minute thing. I decided last minute that the least I could do was to go to dinner with him. And so it happened.

He came over to my neighborhood to see his friend Rui. He wasn't alone though. TP's best friend along with his sister was in the car. I guess TP was everybody's ride because when I finished showering and putting on my clothes, I saw everyone in his SUV. They were all dressed up and ready to go eat and I remember I was lagging that day. I mean I was totally unprepared. I couldn't find my black dress pants so I just decided to wear a date shirt and some dark faded jeans, and some Sperry's. Pretty sharp look. The dark jeans would later be a mistake, though. I put on some cologne and did my hair, and out the door I went. I remember the moment I walked out the door, everybody in the car looked at me. His sister was wearing a purple dress. His best friend, I don't know what color she was wearing - I tihnk black. Yeah. She was wearing a black dress. And as for TP.. he was wearing all black and a red tie. He did his hair too. SO sharp. I specifically remember looking at TP for a good second or two..  and he gave me a wink. And I just had a smirk on my face from then on.


I followed his car from behind. And then I get a call on my phone. It's from him. He calls telling me that his dad called and his dad needs something. So he needs my help because his dad was like 20 minutes away, and he has his friends in the car. So he asks me if I can take them to Applebees... and, knowing how his dad is, I agreed. We stopped by at our high school (cuz it was on the way to Applebees) and everyone switches in to my car. He drives off into the opposite direction and I'm headed to Applebees. The car ride was..quiet. A couple convos here and then. I tried to start some upbeat conversations but it failed. His sister kept on getting calls from the dad asking about her whereabouts, really overprotective father. He called her like every minute. I had my iPod plugged in the car and I had a playlist specifically for fast songs. "Everytime we touch - Cascada" came on and we were well on our way to Applebees.

We got to Applebees. Parking was crowded. We went in and sat down and waited for our group to be called. TP came a bit late cuz he had troubles with his dad. But he made it on time when we were ordering food. He was a bit angry and frustrated for a while, but he calmed down. He sat across me and his friends, Anna and Hafsa sat to the right of us. We ordered the food.. he got some kinda mango lemonade and I just had water. I got some steak, with potatoes and broccoli on the side. And he had some chicken pasta. Hafsa ordered some steak and some cheese sticks. Anna ordered, I think some spaghetti. Ah man. We kinda fed each other our meals and we shared the mango lemonade. It was really cute. We would stare at each other while Hafsa and Anna were having their conversations with their friends from the table behind. It was bliss.. We were also texting each other cute little things, like I remember he complimented me saying I looked very handsome and cute. Grrr. I just wanted to jump across the table and just fly with him away, and just have him all to myself. Oops. A little greedy there, haha. But eventually, time passed and homecoming started around 9. We left late and I was planning on to get sneaked in, but that didn't work out because there were police guards guarding every entrance of the school. My first kiss, or PDA happened while I was sitting in my car. And I had everybody's ticket in his group in the car cuz his best friend left it there. He kissed me when we parted ways. Hafsa and Anna knew about us and I knew they were happy and just said "awe." While driving, that song from Backstreet boys came on. "As long as you love me." Yep.. Hafsa sang it and I was humming it under my breath. I didn't have a ticket for homecoming cuz I didn't plan on going to the dance until last minute. It was worth a shot to try to sneak in, but it was too risky and there was no way I was able to get in.



:((

Lots more happened post homecoming. but that will remain in my memories. I miss him a lot. I wish I could just take his suffering away. It has been 3 months. Our relationship lasted much shorter than that. 1 month and 3 weeks. But why am I still feeling this way towards him? Perhaps this is just a way of my heart telling me that I'm still in love with him. I don't need time as a validation of my love for him. It's always gonna be there. My poor little guy.. someday I'll reach out again - but it won't be anytime soon. We just need time apart to grow up.. I guess. We'll meet again when we're both in better places. This is my first boyfriend. And first love. For him, it's the same way too. Letting go is so fucking hard. But it's for the best.. deep down inside, I planted a seed in him. I hope it grows because this time apart will be dark for him..

We are meant to be.. my best friend even agrees.. let's just have time validate or invalidate it.
This will be the ultimate testament of true love. Letting go, and seeing if it comes back to you. Cuz if it/he does.. then it was really meant to be.

Anthony

Snow

Not a perfect shot but this is what it looks like.


Forecasters predicted a "snow storm" to hit the South starting Sunday night. They were right. It started snowing heavily around 9 pm last night. Living in metro ATL, Georgians don't see this kind of weather usually. It's like everything is at a standstill. From my window, I can see the road that connects us to i85 and it's almost deserted. Almost everything is shut down due to the hazardous road conditions. MARTA, which is Atlanta's rail service is shut down. You know things are serious when MARTA shuts down because that doesn't  happen too often. Kinda funny too, that my county announced school closing early this time. They usually wait til like 6 am to do so, I guess they like to put school kids in danger haha. There's about 4-6 inches of snow covering the ground. I can't even see my own drive way because the snow leveled out everything if that makes sense. All colleges effected by the weather canceled classes, including mine. It already stopped snowing but there's some freezing rain headed here. I don't think I'll be going to classes until road conditions are clear, and temperatures are pretty chilly for the rest of the week so it'll take a while.

Pieces falling

"Let the pieces fall where they may."

Gonna put up a new post tomorrow.

Schedule for spring 2011

Sooo going back to yesterday's post - yeah. I got side tracked. I have to promise myself that talking about the past won't change anything so I'm going to avoid talking about him from now on. Even though I have a high urge to do so, it's best that I keep my mouth shut because it'll only drag me down even more. I'm open to the option of getting back together.

Somebody told me.. "If you want to spend the rest of your life with this person then even a couple of years wouldn't be too long. Just don't sit waiting for it to happen and continue with your life and whatever may happen."

so that's that. Heh, I'm going to remain positive now. Positive people attract people. He didn't fall in love with me being in this state of mood right now. I don't think he would be very happy to know that I'm not handling it too well. Final words said to him, done. I'm keeping my heart open.

Anywho.

First day of classes start tomorrow. After a month long break, I think I'm ready to go back. I'm taking 15 hours. My classes:

Principles of Chemistry
Principles of Chem. lab (3 hour chemistry lab on Wednesdays.. That means I'll have classes nonstop from 8am to 5 pm. Except for a 2 hour break around 1.)
Music appreciation
English comp
General Psychology

Excited to go back. I'm gonna try to be more out there and actually develop some friendships. Last semester, I was pretty not so involved and very introverted. Gotta put myself out there.

I feel like I'm getting sick also. Darn.

Anthony

My day and thoughts..

I woke up this morning at around 5:30ish. Woke up pretty early to start my day because I had to go up to school today to see my advisor to finalize my schedule for spring. I actually woke up on time to make breakfast. On school days, that doesn't happen too often because I end up procrastinating my homework til the evening. That's something I will have to change because my class load is pretty heavy.

I haven't made breakfast for myself since the time where TP and his best friend came by to pick up some breakfast. That was like three months ago. Yeah, I made him and her pancakes and a strawberry banana smoothie. I wasn't planning on making her breakfast and I really wanted to have him come in to eat with me inside - but he picks HER up everyday and takes her to school. It seems really bothersome because she could just ride the bus. During that time, he had to take one of his sisters to school which was about a 15-20 minute drive on the highway. The reason being is that because his dad thinks that the particular school she goes to - is the best because the majority is Caucasian people living in a highly affluent area. I went to the same high school as TP did. He's graduating this year. Our high school is highly diverse in many proportions. It's like a giant melting pot(anyone remember that term from US History?:P.) My county is fairly large and the high schools here are really modernized. I don't live in rural Georgia. My high school has a student body of over 3,000, very large in my opinion. Anyways, he already has to wake up early enough to take his sister to school so why does he have to drive all the way to get his best friend? I don't know. That's his decision so I can't say anything about it. I was really :( when I found out that he wasn't going to be able to eat breakfast with me because "they were running late." Can you wake up early enough to go eat homemade breakfast with your boyfriend? Maybe I gave my heart out too much to him. I don't think he was ready for the level of commitment I made in such a short time, so that probably scared him away because everything that I gave to him was complete and utter opposite of what his exes did to him.

In his eyes, he sees that he doesn't deserve me because of the hardships he will have to face in life and doesn't want to drag me down, want me to find something better than him, etc. My best friend and I discussed about the way he wrote his the text messages in which he broke up with me. It seems like she was right. She stated that "he probably thinks that he's not good enough for you." and I can certainly see that. He thrown out harsh things about him and then came the moment of truth after pressuring him to give the flat out reason. He said.. "I want you to be healthy with somebody you can love and that won't be as difficult as me. Because I know in the future that I'm not the best person to date. Somebody out there needs someone like you. You have a big and true heart but it's not for someone like me." just a bare outline of what he said, there's much more but that will fill up this whole screen. He gave me his thought process and that was enough to say that he has some conflicted views of himself. Like it's as though when he looks in a mirror, all he sees is his flaws. His thought process: "I won't be the best person to date out there in the future, so I don't want to hurt him in the long run. So I'm just going to end it with him now so he won't have to suffer for life with me. He will suffer, but he won't have to suffer for life with me." - he also stated that he wants to be with me forever. So this is something that he cannot control. This is the THING that is in him that is preventing from us from being together. I can't say, but it seems like his reasons are valid.. All I am going to say is that it is some kind of sickness that has no cure. But there are treatment options available out there to ensure a long and healthy life. He doesn't see that right now. But I don't know what his doctor said, because he went to the doctors office in November and he didn't say anything of significant at the time. All I know is that he HID from me that he was sick. He said that his health was greatly decreasing and that he can't let me be with him with he is like "this". He realized it a couple nights ago.. at that time we were together but never once did he mention that he was sick that night.

I think from my point of view.. he is suffering right now, to what extent I do not know. The day that he broke up with me - his eyes looked baggy and he looked very tired. He was very clumsy and would accidentally hit people. He warned me that day that he has been hitting people by "accident" all day. He accidentally hit me in my stomach hard, like a hard slap. Maybe that's his way of letting out anger? I also remember him falling asleep on the couch. This sickness causes him to do all of these things. Loss of apetite, nausea, vomitting, all the basic flu symptoms. But it isn't the flu. This sickness came from birth, that's all I can say. It's chronic. I also remember he has restless nights.. and sometimes he goes in fetal position because the pain hurts. Now all I am thinking is: POOR THING! I basically professed my love to him in emails stating that I'll still stick by him, and such and such. I'll take care of you, etc etc. But still no positive response.

He tells me that he is doing this for my own good and that he does this because he loves me. And cares about my future. THIS is so hard. I don't want him to suffer alone for life. Maybe a little bit of happiness that I had with him could make some of the suffering go away. Nobody in his life cares about him like that. Not even his parents because they do not make a diet suited for him. He is responsible for his own health too, but there's nobody out there who will take the steps to help him. I don't know where he is going to end up being without somebody pushing him to do the necessary things. He stated that he could careless about what happens to him. This is a self esteem issue embedded int his too. He stated that he is really stupid for giving up his chance on true love.. but he knows what he must do. Omg. This really is hitting me again, this seems so horrible!


I can't help somebody who refuses to help themselves. This fucking sucks. I'm so sad inside because of what I am leaving behind. Think about it - imagine iif your loved one was suffering alone sitting on the hospital bed - and tells you to just go, go away, find someone better. What kind of stuff is that? :( I know he is really selfless. What would you do? Of course you would profess your undying love, trying to stick around for as long as you can, but when you receive a cold and hostile response + silent - what can you do? You can't sit there forever. I sent him my final email the other day saying that I'm gonna be moving on basically. Sigh.. He wants me to live my life to my fullest with somebody I can be healthy and happy and love with. What is missing for him?

That healthy part.


THAT SINGLE VACCINE THAT COULD OF PREVENTED IT.
but then again his Dad has this condition, he is still alive today.

What I know:

-He won't date anybody at all.


how I know this: reasons for break up would be a TOTAL LIE. He is heartless like that. I trust him. He doesn't dump anyone just because, I'm pretty sure it has to be serious. Maybe we both are at the wrong spot at the wrong time. You know there are stories of people reconnecting when they are more mature years later. From what I know, he is doing this for my own good. Of course I have to accept it now. I cannot pressure him and give him the sign that I am waiting for him. When in reality, the fact is that I am in a way. I'm not keeping my heart closed. That's not it at all. I will decide to visit my feelings one day in the future, but only time will tell what can happen. I guess he hid that he was sick from me that night really well.. maybe he didn't want me to worry about him.. then again, that does make sense because he wants me to love elsewhere because he thinks he is not worth the worry. I am letting go. I gave him my all and now it's up to him. I planted the seed.. I left him with some health information to help him out. Like with his diet and all, remedies, telling him to go to the doctors, etc. Up to him now.. I'm not wanting to get back with him like that. Obviously he will be unhappy that I am with him when he will be ill/have those symptoms for the rest of his life, but the happiness that I can provide him, I saw that it makes his day much better. Maybe a little bit of my happiness can go al ong way, and take some of his suffering away. Because all I want is the best for him. He won't find the best in his best friend/family/friends because your SOULMATE/LOVED ONE provides a different kind of love. One that you can hold, kiss, and cry with.


well it's 11:50pm here and I just had a very long day. I guess I will continue writing some other time a bout this day. I sorta got really off track but it has been on my mind all day and I don't have that many people I can tell this to because they could care less/heard it too much/I don't want to annoy them. Blah.

2011

Happy New Year everybody.

I didn't realize it was the end of the decade until I looked twice at the year. Amazing how time flies because I remember it was just yesterday when I was looking into my 4th grade pencil box checking off my school supplies. Back then, I lived in California and the schools there did not look like a prison. It seems like the schools built recently are more modernized and industrialized. That's expected. The schools that I went to when I was living in California were built long ago, so that may be a reason why they aren't "prison looking." I think the education system is set in a way that it has hidden agendas that are enforced throughout ones life. Like say for instance, you get detention for being late to school. To the kids, it seems like a hassle. But the lesson behind this is that in the real world, you can't be late to work. Well you can, but you won't be getting a detention but you'll be at risk for losing your job. I guess you're taught the basic values from when you are young. well it looks like I kinda went off topic there.

What marked the decade? I think the most biggest event is 9/11. I certainly remember where I was and what I was doing. It's one of those moments where you will never forget. My sociology teacher in high school (junior year) had a discussion with my class one time about the events in the decade that changed his life. His generation was marked by the space shuttle disaster. And he asked us what we thought ours, and almost all of us agreed that it was 9/11. My world history teacher in 9th grade told us stories about what he experienced his generation too. He was a football coach in his younger years but then taught history. Kinda weird because I notice that most of the coaches in my high school were at one time coaches or ARE still coaches and they eventually move onto teaching history. Anyways, he told us during his elementary school years that there were drills. Not earthquake drills. But nuclear drills. Yeah, he lived during the cold war era where the constant threat of nuclear war was "this" close. One press of the button would cause disaster. I watched a documentary on the National Geographic Channel a while back and it was a show about the government operations that took place during the Cold War "Era". Turns out the government built shelters underground and they planned that if the event of Nuclear war ever came about, that the shelters would serve use. Most of the technology from the shelters (which still exist today), are outdated and the shelters are abandoned. It's fairly interesting. I am almost certain that the government today has hide out places for the "big guys" (gov't officials) - we just don't know where. I don't trust the government fully. There's probably a lot more than what meets the media because the news is somewhat regulated by the FCC. Back to my world history teacher. So in summary, his generation was marked by the Cold war. Seems like there could never be peace in this world, war is unavoidable.

I'm ready for a new beginning. Leaving many things behind.. but it's for the best. I can't revisit the past. I found love but it slipped away. My heart will love again, but I can't ever forget about what I left behind. I feel so bad for him, leaving him behind like that. But it's alright. He chose that path so I have to accept it. I have no control over the situation, but all I can do is focus on myself, the present, so that when the future comes: I'll be ready.


Songs really never made me cry or impacted my emotions. But having experienced being loved and sharing it, then losing it.. certain songs have an impact on me now. I'm thankful for having that chance. What grips onto me is the fact that he might not have the chance to be loved..ever..again. He told me he won't ever forget about me. That's a fact. I have to hold onto what is left of me.. and fly away.. into the skies, and maybe, just maybe one day our paths will cross. It's his call from now on. All I can do is walk away gracefully knowing I gave him my all; let things marinate and continue on with my life. My life doesn't stop for anybody, and it won't stop for him. He might decide to revisit his feelings when he is in a better place, but until then - I'll be away. This is for the best. I have to remind myself that. I love him, and I love him enough to let him go.. for now.. I'm letting us both go our separate ways. The chains that he has will continue to drag him down because this case is pretty heavy - damaged self + "that situation" = constant sadness inside. He needs to allow himself to get help. Nobody can force him to get help because that's up to him. But I know that I'm not giving up yet. I'm letting go. That doesn't mean I'm giving up on him, it just means that at this stage - in order to respect him and his decision - I have to. The future is open to anything but this won't hold me down.

side note: the date is: 01/01/11, awesome.

Anthony