My day and thoughts..

I woke up this morning at around 5:30ish. Woke up pretty early to start my day because I had to go up to school today to see my advisor to finalize my schedule for spring. I actually woke up on time to make breakfast. On school days, that doesn't happen too often because I end up procrastinating my homework til the evening. That's something I will have to change because my class load is pretty heavy.

I haven't made breakfast for myself since the time where TP and his best friend came by to pick up some breakfast. That was like three months ago. Yeah, I made him and her pancakes and a strawberry banana smoothie. I wasn't planning on making her breakfast and I really wanted to have him come in to eat with me inside - but he picks HER up everyday and takes her to school. It seems really bothersome because she could just ride the bus. During that time, he had to take one of his sisters to school which was about a 15-20 minute drive on the highway. The reason being is that because his dad thinks that the particular school she goes to - is the best because the majority is Caucasian people living in a highly affluent area. I went to the same high school as TP did. He's graduating this year. Our high school is highly diverse in many proportions. It's like a giant melting pot(anyone remember that term from US History?:P.) My county is fairly large and the high schools here are really modernized. I don't live in rural Georgia. My high school has a student body of over 3,000, very large in my opinion. Anyways, he already has to wake up early enough to take his sister to school so why does he have to drive all the way to get his best friend? I don't know. That's his decision so I can't say anything about it. I was really :( when I found out that he wasn't going to be able to eat breakfast with me because "they were running late." Can you wake up early enough to go eat homemade breakfast with your boyfriend? Maybe I gave my heart out too much to him. I don't think he was ready for the level of commitment I made in such a short time, so that probably scared him away because everything that I gave to him was complete and utter opposite of what his exes did to him.

In his eyes, he sees that he doesn't deserve me because of the hardships he will have to face in life and doesn't want to drag me down, want me to find something better than him, etc. My best friend and I discussed about the way he wrote his the text messages in which he broke up with me. It seems like she was right. She stated that "he probably thinks that he's not good enough for you." and I can certainly see that. He thrown out harsh things about him and then came the moment of truth after pressuring him to give the flat out reason. He said.. "I want you to be healthy with somebody you can love and that won't be as difficult as me. Because I know in the future that I'm not the best person to date. Somebody out there needs someone like you. You have a big and true heart but it's not for someone like me." just a bare outline of what he said, there's much more but that will fill up this whole screen. He gave me his thought process and that was enough to say that he has some conflicted views of himself. Like it's as though when he looks in a mirror, all he sees is his flaws. His thought process: "I won't be the best person to date out there in the future, so I don't want to hurt him in the long run. So I'm just going to end it with him now so he won't have to suffer for life with me. He will suffer, but he won't have to suffer for life with me." - he also stated that he wants to be with me forever. So this is something that he cannot control. This is the THING that is in him that is preventing from us from being together. I can't say, but it seems like his reasons are valid.. All I am going to say is that it is some kind of sickness that has no cure. But there are treatment options available out there to ensure a long and healthy life. He doesn't see that right now. But I don't know what his doctor said, because he went to the doctors office in November and he didn't say anything of significant at the time. All I know is that he HID from me that he was sick. He said that his health was greatly decreasing and that he can't let me be with him with he is like "this". He realized it a couple nights ago.. at that time we were together but never once did he mention that he was sick that night.

I think from my point of view.. he is suffering right now, to what extent I do not know. The day that he broke up with me - his eyes looked baggy and he looked very tired. He was very clumsy and would accidentally hit people. He warned me that day that he has been hitting people by "accident" all day. He accidentally hit me in my stomach hard, like a hard slap. Maybe that's his way of letting out anger? I also remember him falling asleep on the couch. This sickness causes him to do all of these things. Loss of apetite, nausea, vomitting, all the basic flu symptoms. But it isn't the flu. This sickness came from birth, that's all I can say. It's chronic. I also remember he has restless nights.. and sometimes he goes in fetal position because the pain hurts. Now all I am thinking is: POOR THING! I basically professed my love to him in emails stating that I'll still stick by him, and such and such. I'll take care of you, etc etc. But still no positive response.

He tells me that he is doing this for my own good and that he does this because he loves me. And cares about my future. THIS is so hard. I don't want him to suffer alone for life. Maybe a little bit of happiness that I had with him could make some of the suffering go away. Nobody in his life cares about him like that. Not even his parents because they do not make a diet suited for him. He is responsible for his own health too, but there's nobody out there who will take the steps to help him. I don't know where he is going to end up being without somebody pushing him to do the necessary things. He stated that he could careless about what happens to him. This is a self esteem issue embedded int his too. He stated that he is really stupid for giving up his chance on true love.. but he knows what he must do. Omg. This really is hitting me again, this seems so horrible!


I can't help somebody who refuses to help themselves. This fucking sucks. I'm so sad inside because of what I am leaving behind. Think about it - imagine iif your loved one was suffering alone sitting on the hospital bed - and tells you to just go, go away, find someone better. What kind of stuff is that? :( I know he is really selfless. What would you do? Of course you would profess your undying love, trying to stick around for as long as you can, but when you receive a cold and hostile response + silent - what can you do? You can't sit there forever. I sent him my final email the other day saying that I'm gonna be moving on basically. Sigh.. He wants me to live my life to my fullest with somebody I can be healthy and happy and love with. What is missing for him?

That healthy part.


THAT SINGLE VACCINE THAT COULD OF PREVENTED IT.
but then again his Dad has this condition, he is still alive today.

What I know:

-He won't date anybody at all.


how I know this: reasons for break up would be a TOTAL LIE. He is heartless like that. I trust him. He doesn't dump anyone just because, I'm pretty sure it has to be serious. Maybe we both are at the wrong spot at the wrong time. You know there are stories of people reconnecting when they are more mature years later. From what I know, he is doing this for my own good. Of course I have to accept it now. I cannot pressure him and give him the sign that I am waiting for him. When in reality, the fact is that I am in a way. I'm not keeping my heart closed. That's not it at all. I will decide to visit my feelings one day in the future, but only time will tell what can happen. I guess he hid that he was sick from me that night really well.. maybe he didn't want me to worry about him.. then again, that does make sense because he wants me to love elsewhere because he thinks he is not worth the worry. I am letting go. I gave him my all and now it's up to him. I planted the seed.. I left him with some health information to help him out. Like with his diet and all, remedies, telling him to go to the doctors, etc. Up to him now.. I'm not wanting to get back with him like that. Obviously he will be unhappy that I am with him when he will be ill/have those symptoms for the rest of his life, but the happiness that I can provide him, I saw that it makes his day much better. Maybe a little bit of my happiness can go al ong way, and take some of his suffering away. Because all I want is the best for him. He won't find the best in his best friend/family/friends because your SOULMATE/LOVED ONE provides a different kind of love. One that you can hold, kiss, and cry with.


well it's 11:50pm here and I just had a very long day. I guess I will continue writing some other time a bout this day. I sorta got really off track but it has been on my mind all day and I don't have that many people I can tell this to because they could care less/heard it too much/I don't want to annoy them. Blah.