Where am I?!

I haven't done a blog post in a long time. I've been really occupied with school. Many presentations, projects, essays, everything is getting much more in depth. it's getting up there! Good news though, all the studying I've done had a great outcome. I A'ced my first psychology test and also the music appreciation test. And as for my English presentations that I did - my partner and I Aced it also. So far this semester is looking good. BUT I am not looking forward to my music appreciation test that I have on Friday. It has a listening section and the music is.. so, yeah. Bad? We have to identify musical terms by marking it on the music sheet while the music is playing. No word bank either. =X

What's been happening in my life lately? Hmm.. good question.  

Kristina's transition into early education.. 

 Kristina's caretaker went out of country just today so she's staying home with us from now on. I suggested my mom to enroll her in pre-school being that we have a day care center, with great reviews from parents, near my neighborhood. I read some reviews on google and yelp = the majority are positive. There's even some parents that live far away but still commute to this day care center because it's that good. Home cooked meals, art, hands on learning experiences, wonderful staff (supposedly), and such. I arranged a tour of the center so my mom and I, along with Kristina, are going to check out the place tomorrow morning. I can't wait to go there because I'm interested in seeing how the environment is. It makes me feel like a parent already being all concerned about what kinda stuff Kristina will be doing and what kinda care she's getting from there. A little experience with parenting is good for the future if you know what I mean. Brings back memories of my pre-k and k years. I was a total goof ball and was really clumsy. By goof ball, I mean I did silly things to other kids in my class. For example, I would sometimes get jealous because this guy got to play with the blocks more than I did - so as revenge I would wait for him to sit down but as the dude is sitting, I pull away his chair so he can fall down. And then I would run away. Haha, it makes me laugh so much when I think back of what dork I was. Everyone has their stories and I have plenty. 

My Dad!?!

I was fixing some technical problems that my mom had with her phone and we just began to talk. Jennifer was in the room and she was listening, curiously. My mom doesn't really open up to me like that because she's not the type of person to talk about the past. I never seen her cry or express emotions freely, but I know she does that kinda stuff in private. I only seen her cry once and that was when Kristina's dad left the home violently after the argument that got him gone like the wind. We talked about her work, I talked about Jennifer's progress in school because she got her progress report for the FOCUS class she's in. FOCUS is like a gifted program, kinda like honors level elementary school stuff. Then, my dad popped in my mind for some reason. I grew up without a dad in my life so I got pretty curious as expected. I only know that he was mixed with Caucasian and that he was a bad guy to my mom, hence that's why they split (but not divorce because my mom wasn't married to him). I finally was able to get through with my mom about my dad. I asked her what she thinks of when she looks at me, and she smiled. I knew she was gonna say my dad. And then asked, "Do you think about my Dad?" She didn't give an answer but smiled again, a bigger smile and that was enough for me to know that it was a "yes." She gave me his name and I looked him up on facebook, go figure. There were a lot of results so I messaged the ones I thought were my dad due to looks. Waiting for replies, and yeah it's kind of weird to ask a message "Are you my dad?" I didn't neccesary ask like that, more like give short clues of who I am, if you ever had a son named "Anthony" whose mom's name starts with an "L" (my mom). Asked for a follow up if matches descriptions, so I'll see if any of them can fill in the blanks. It would be different having a father figure in your life.. I always wanted to do dad things with him like go fishing or play sports in the park. I miss my dad even though I don't know who he is or what he looks like.

 

Jennifer and I

Past few days with her have been great. We are doing more things like hanging out, sitting down and talking about life. I can't wait til Spring comes so the weather can finally settle down and not change every so often. Spring = more time around nature and exploring with Jennifer. Last summer, my sister and I went biking on a trail at our park with her friends. It was really fun racing and watching my sister socialize with her friends because I'm watching her grow up right before my eyes. We had a couple life talks too. There was one talk that intrigued my interests. In summary, Jennifer basically told me that mom tells her "adult" stuff.. which is no good. Like grown up material stuff. Mom doesn't know how to properly parent a child but that's okay. She's been through a lot and has nobody to vent to - so I guess she tells Jennifer. Jennifer says she doesn't wanna hear about it but mom doesn't stop talking. Putting myself in my mom's shoes, I can see stress E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E. Jennifer's past has been not so good either because she saw my mom go through physical and emotional abuse by her own dad (Jennifer's dad) which is so damaging emotionally. I know from first hand account. Jennifer and I witnessed the similar abuse with Kristina's dad. I'm working establishing a good sibling bro-sis "friendship" with her because I was distant most of the time. I told her about what kind of kid I was when I was little. I'm just teaching her that I'm not serious all the time like I have been for the past years. Basic morals are being taught and manners so she will grow up to be a good kid. I know when I'm set for life, she'll be around my age right now and can teach our latest addition to the family, Kristina, about what I taught her. 

It would definitely help me in the future as she's one of the closest person to me. Family is highly important because nothing can ever separate the blood relationship you have with your siblings.  It's cool to think that we both came from the same mom - we have features that can be linked back to my mom. A feature is our beauty. Cliche, I know. But if you look at both my sisters, and probably me too - we are all beautiful and handsome. Kristina is mixed with Caucasian and it's pretty darn noticeable due to her hair color, eyes, and face structure. Jennifer is flawless and will grow up to be beautiful as many people in my family say. I agree with them. Me, I'm pretty handsome or like to think so, haha. I looked at my mom's pictures when she was younger and wow - she's really pretty.  People irreplaceable.. once they're gone - they're gone. They do leave foot prints in your heart though.. 

Healing process

Lately, I've been thinking about my ex. I still feel the same way towards him. I love him still. A friend told me that I guess I should be ready to accept the fact that I will never stop loving him. The past days I've been bleeding my heart out (not literally), but like doing stuff like crying. Not like obsesive fan girl style crying, but like a 5 minute cry laying in bed at night. It's hard to admit this to anyone because I know it seems like it's easy to move on - trust me, when you're in love with someone and you have them drop off the face of the earth over night - it's not easy to move on. And to know that he's in pain and suffering too because of his sickness? Yeah, sucky. Maybe one day I might get "the talk" from him, but I wouldn't expect it. I'm doing pretty good about not contacting him. It's been three months since the break up and that is like much more longer than my relationship with him. It's reallly hard.. I avoid looking at any V-Day stuff at the stores like at Walmart.. literally they have isles of V-day stuff. I never had a Valentines before, but I guess I should save it for someone who feels the same way I do, and wants to keep the relationship. Why does everyone search for something that is so great and can change your life, but has the potential to drag you down to the point where you feel like your heart has been ripped out? It's like a double sided dagger, one side isn't so sharp but the other one is like razor sharp. But it's all good, you can't pass up opportunities like this so every bit of pain that I am going through right now will only bring me one step closer to my knight in shining armor. No not really, but you get the point. It's gonna be all about me this year and I'm okay with that.

Eh it's getting late now. Exhausted from today because I did some house cleaning today and dusting. Don't laugh at me, haha. I got kinda OCD because our upstairs living room was a MESS because of Kristina - she bought out all her toys up here and ate her little snacks upstairs. That was enough to get me started on everything else. No need to explain in detail, haha. Sneaky lil one was hiding food up here so she can eat. Really clever, but her hiding spot isn't much of a hiding spot anymore because of me.

BTW you should really listen to this song because it's awesome. I was listening to it when I was writing this blog post. It made me kinda sad but it relaxed me. I should of posted it in the beginning but here you go! 

 PS. I have't forgotten about "The Scarf" - it's still incomplete I know. Stay curious :)

I feeel sleeepy now.

Good night.

Anthony

New role in family

Very often during the hot summer, my sister Jennifer and I would take a leisure walks around my neighborhood. My neighborhood is large with only one entrance to go "in and out." The structure of the houses are built very similarly and all the houses look somewhat similar. No, the houses here aren't like those of Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands.

To give you an idea, what really sets the houses apart from one another is the appearance. These houses in my subdivision are large two story family homes big enough for a family of say 8 or more people. This sets the stage for the kinds of people that live here. I don't know what kind of jobs the other folks have in my subdivision, but I can tell you on my street alone there are people with office jobs/engineering/business owners. It is pretty much expensive to live here, and my mom is the only one paying off the bills. Like most Vietnamese people, she works and happens to be the manager at a nail salon in Downtown Atlanta. I/We have just enough to live off of, but that comes with a price. The price of her own leisure is gone. She has to work seven days a week in order to meet the expenses of this house. She leaves work around 8 or 9 the morning, comes home exhausted, around 9 in the evening. The commute to work isn't all that great with the rush hour morning traffic. I've been to work with her several times and a commute that would usually take 30 minutes, takes double that because of the congestion. Her life is not that easy, yet she still manages to provide what she can for my siblings and I. Oh and I forgot, she provides for what I see as a "pest" in the house - her boyfriend. I do not have a say so, but I can tell you that there are many things that I dislike about him, such as his laziness to clean after himself, his drinking behavior, and his ability to manipulate my mom. As much as I like to say something, I won't dwell on those degrading actions of his because you can't change someone who refuses to change themselves. I have tried mentioning it several times to my mom, but she doesn't see his damaging behavior like I do because she is used to being around those type of people, cough cough, her previous boyfriends. I don't blame my mom because her past relationships haven't been all that great. I know I am the only hope for her, and this strength to turn things around is going to have to come from within. There's no reason to cause a fuss because this isn't like a life or death situation. I've seen a lot of ugly things from Kristina's (my 3 year old sister) dad. If I have the capability to make it through what horrible things Kristina's dad did, then I'm equipped to handle any situation.

I know I am not suppose to assume the role of a parent in this household. I have talked to one of my friends about moving to California to go to college over there, but there are several factors preventing that from happening. Firstly and most importantly, what is going to happen to my sisters when I leave? What about my mom? And the house? It is a selfish thing to do in my opinion to leave everything when I know it will benefit me, but I don't want to have to live with the uncertainly that my younger siblings are growing up in the wrong hands. At least with me around, there is somebody looking over the house passively and making sure my sisters grow up on the right foundations. Each case is different and sometimes when that person is gone, such as me, the parent will have to look over for their own children. But knowing my mom, her behavior is irrational and I can't trust her boyfriend at all. Yes, moving to California and pursuing in my education there will mean leaving everything here behind. It'll be better for me because I won't have to deal with the stress here. But it's a selfish thing to do.. I believe that family is important, and when you feel that you are the only glimmer of hope for your own siblings, who have a blood relation with you, then you should stick around when nobody else is. I can suck it up and be the guard for my siblings. There's high tensions around the house between my mom's boyfriend and I, but I don't let that stop me from providing the proper attention and needs my sisters do. There are many other reasoning, but that's the most important one. The thought of moving back to California is crossed out.

I have to step up my game now, in regards to my sisters. Kristina goes to a caretaker every week and I can tell she does not receive the correct discipline she needs. She is very defiant and says very bad words in Vietnamese. Where does this arise? The people who take care of her. In other words, the caretaker. She is only three years old, and I guess you can say this cussing behavior is not normal of that in a three year old. It's absurd. Did I also mention the caretaker is my mom's boyfriend mother? 

I am thinking on my days off of school and weekends, that I should be responsible in watching over Kristina at home. My school schedule is to where I could watch her every other day. Yes, it is a huge task to watch over her, teach her the correct manners, some English, to sum up basically be a "Dad" for her. It's a lot of work and I know that. I know I am going to have kids of my own someday, so I might as well take it as a benefit for both my mom and I. My mom's benefit is she wouldn't have to pay overpriced fees for this baby sitter who doesn't do any good.  My own benefit is that I'll learn some future parenting. 

I'm also thinking of getting a pet to help along with this also. I know I'm probably gonna go crazy after the first weeks knowing how playful Kristina is, so I kinda envision a pet in the picture to help with this. That way, Jennifer, Kristina, and this "pet" will keep each other company while I am doing my own thing. I'm planning on to talk to my mom tonight about all this, so hopefully she will let me watch over Kristina, which I believe I will provide much much better care for her than the baby sitter. 

On a side note: Kristina is home and is downstairs with Jennifer. I guess Kristina did something wrong and she's being yelled at by him. You really aren't suppose do that.. um. Well time to go downstairs and take her out of this. 

About me

Well, I guess I should probably do an about me post. Weird that I haven't really noticed that I've been missing one (at least a short intro). I guess this will be a mere skeleton of who I am. This will probably give you guys an outline of who I am. Nutshell post. More specifics later for those who still remain interested.

• I'm Anthony. Not my real name due to obvious privacy reasons. 
• I'm obviously a male, haha. 
• Asian-Caucasian mix.  
• I grew up without having a father in my life. My mom was absent for the most part of my life until my high school years
• two younger half-sisters.
• Kristina - 3 years old
• Jennifer is 9.
  
• currently living in metropolitan area of Atlanta, Georgia.
• raised in SoCal (Southern California) but moved here during my first year of high school. Big change, all for the better though.
• What moving has done for me: allowed me to find my identity and allowed myself to gain independence.
• What I mean by finding my identity? Well.. basically my sexuality. 

• I'm gay.
• I'm not out to my family, but I am out to my friends. I think it was Oct. 2008 that I finally fully accepted who I am, with the support of my best friends one of which is no longer "my best friend."
• I do plan on coming out to my family in the future. They are not like hardcore religious. In fact, we don't even attend religious services that often. 
• We are "Buddhist." But I am undecided on religion.  
• I'll keep the "gay" part of me quiet until I know that I can support myself out there in this world. Better to be safe than to be sorry.
• I don't fit the stereotypes nor do I feel the need to. Each person has different qualities that make up who they are. There are no guidelines for being yourself.
• Relationships
• I only had one. Really intense relationship and short relationship. 1 month and 3 weeks. Intense as in, everything was there. Although there wasn't a true balance - that could of easily been fixed if communication was better. It makes sense why I started to feel distant from him, because he was trying to pull away. I probably started feeling a little bit distant around month 1. He started to pull away when he found out something about his health that would hinder my efforts in being happy. We just recently "broke up" due to some uncontrollable reasons involving his health. Genuine man. We are currently not talking. I don't know what is in store for the future for both of us, but I am just going with the flow now. 

• I'm humble at first, takes me a while to 'open up'. Most of my friends are girls, and it feels like I'm more comfortable around them than guys. Reason being: Girls are more easier to talk to for me. It's weird because I've always been surrounded by girls when I was younger. School too. I would rarely be around the guys, there was a case in 4th grade where I tried to fit in with the guys - but I spent the majority of the time in recess with the girls. Interesting right? 

• My reason for being here...
• Like a journal, I thought it would be more organized to write out my thoughts on a blog. Yeah, I know I could keep a journal for that. I tried keeping a personal journal but it got tiresome to constantly write down and let alone keep up with the constant pace of my thoughts.

• Interests/hobbies
• On my down time, I like to draw. I'm not an artist, but drawing is one of those activities that lets my mind wander off. It is something that I enjoy doing because it calms me down. I like reading also so if you know of any books just comment below. I'm not really genre specific.
• I don't watch a lot of t.v. When I do watch tv, it's usually the news or something on the National Geographic/Sci/food channel or sometimes cartoons with my sisters. I think my sister, Jennifer is a Disney channel person so I happen to be around whenever she's watching like.. Wizards of Waverly Place/Fish hooks. She likes Nick too so I basically seen all the Spongebob episodes out there 'cause of her, haha.
• I enjoy cooking.  
• Nursing major
• I didn't play any sports in high school. I was basically that humble kid with AP/honors classes. I'm not really athletic, but I'm not out of shape either. I have a fast metabolism, slim, 5"7-ish. I plan on starting a workout plan really soon as soon as I can grab a hold of a gym membership. I'm applying to several places in hopes to get hired so I can have some extra funds. It's true that college students are broke because I know I am.
• I played WoW which was basically my addiction back in the days. Now = I quit. I'm better off spending that 15$ monthly membership fee on food or something :P.

• Misc info

• I'm fairly an optimistic person because of my past. I had constant struggles with my family and my sexuality in the past. I couldn't accept who I was and hid it. But you know what, I know this is who I am. I am me. The past doesn't DEFINE my present or future. Rather, it paved the way for who I am today. My heart was recently broken for the first time. For those that have experienced heartbreak, you know the wrenching emotional pain. I was a zombie for weeks, but now I am stepping into the light. I am coming out as a better person. It hasn't been a smooth road for me, but that's life. It's not always going to be sunshine, but you can only learn how to appreciate the sunshine if you experience the storm. 
• Long ago, in my Junior high years, I remember a classmate asking my teacher(something along these lines) "It would be great to live in Hawaii all the time. That's paradise. Sunshine and warm weather all the time.", my teacher responded: "Well.. not really. I wouldn't want to live in Hawaii all the time, because you won't appreciate the natural beauty if you're with it all the time."
• Simple question, yet it applies to life as well. There are many tourist destinations in the world. Disneyland, in California is an example. I lived near Disneyland at one point of my life, and each night there would be a display of fireworks in the sky at precisely 9 pm, everyday. When I first moved there I thought it was pretty cool to be living near one of the main attractions in California. I mean how awesome is it to see tourists walking around all the time? What about hearing fireworks and seeing them in the sky everyday? Well, after awhile I couldn't appreciate it anymore because it was ALWAYS around. I lived with it. After constant nights of hearing the loud bangs, I finally came to the conclusion that it was ANNOYING to hear those booms and bangs. Now that I moved across the country, I miss it. 
• Ever heard of this line? You don't know what you have until it's gone.. Yep. I'd love to go back to California. The closest thing to California is Florida, which is one state below me. Spring break anyone? :)
• Yeah I tend to go off topic sometimes. My writing will be somewhat unorganized. I just write whatever is on my mind at that moment and that's that.