There are times when I was so close to texting him, but I didn't because it would hinder his and my efforts to move on. He clearly gave the indication that he doesn't want anything to deal with me, so I'm thinking why should I settle for somebody who doesn't want me at the moment? After all, I think it's pretty sad that he failed to give me a proper closure talk when I requested it.
It's incredibly hard. De-taching from someone you love is so hard. It's like.. somebody close to you just died. Not physically. But any contact from them went cold turkey. Everything went sour. One huge text message broke what him and I had. That is so disappointing, being that I gave him my ALL and it seems like he couldn't give a shit about how I felt/what I needed to say because he just REFUSED any contact I made. Hey man, at least have some balls to FACE the consequences of your actions. His response to breaking over text message: "Sorry I can't do this face to face. I can't let you see me cry." Alright, I know you've beeen through a lot in the past. But that doesn't give you a single right for you to escape from somebody you "loved so much" (supposedly) like that. I was your boyfriend. And you can't even give me the same respect I gave you when I asked you out? I mean come on, I asked you out in PERSON and did some pretty special things that nobody in the world would do. And then you break up with me by text. Personally, I dislike his way of handling things like that. He has a history of putting things under the rug, and he still hides his negative feelings today. I don't hate him or anything, it's just the way he handled things - it's different from that of what I would do. If I broke up with someone, alright, the first few weeks it's understandable you don't wanna see or talk to this person. But then after a while, I would give the other person SOME kind of closure face to face. The only time you should break up with a person over the phone or whatever is ONLY if it's LONG distance. But if you're within travel distance, then respect that person by giving them closure. So what if you're gonna cry, it happens. It seems like him and I are at different stages of our lives with relationships. I can say that I'm ready for a strong relationship, whereas he seems to be a little "out there," in terms of knowing what a relationship is about. When evaluating my relationship with him, it seems like things were one sided. Relationships are a two way street.. my best friend also agrees with me that I seemed to give much more than he did. There wasn't a balance.
Again.. thinking back to what he said. "He knows that he's not the one for me and that he's not the best person to date in the future."
I can certainly see that now. I removed my rose colored petal glasses and SEE it all now. He's right. He ISN'T the person for me at the moment. Hey man, instead of putting yourself down like that, why don't you try to be the person I'm looking for instead of giving up? That's what a real man is. He doesn't give up just because of XYZ reasons. He had his flaws in the relationship, which I can see now. He isn't ready for that level of commitment, let alone a relationship. I don't hate him or dislike him or anything like that. In fact, I'm just happy that I seen his other side that was hidden during the relationship. It takes a lot of gut to walk out of a "perfect relationship" so chances of him coming back is slim.
It isn't all about the lovey dovey stuff. But rather how you two, as a couple, handle things together. He's not perfect and I am not either. The thing that matters at the end of the day is the love. It doesn't change just because of the way he handled things or how things went sour. I still love him regardless of what he did, because it takes a lot of gut to stand up and say those harsh things about himself. He has to find self happiness from within because how are you gonna love if you can't even love yourself? We are all human and we make mistakes. I hope one day he sees himself in a greater light. He put himself down a lot, and this isn't the first time in his life he views himself so negatively. I see so much potential in him, and it would make sense for him to one day seek true happiness, cause I can admit that he is living a lie right now. He's not happy. That kid could be looking great from the outside, smiling and whatnot, but his world could be falling apart from the inside. I was in his shoes before, and it was a dark spot in life. But I made it out, and I believe that he will too. At his own pace, he will begin to walk again. I can't predict his direction that he will walk, but if he ever decides to walk in my direction again - I'll be in a better place and he will too.
My actions after the break up weren't so hot either. I wasn't desperate. But to him, my constant contacting with him seemed to be so. that's one thing I learned about break ups - you gotta let the initial shock fade because those emotions will cause you to think irrationally. it certainly made me think irrationally. gotta forgive myself though and not dwell on the issue.
I know for fact.. that the outcome for this situation will be great regardless. I'll be loved again whether it be with another man, or TP. I'll be ready. I have a whole life ahead of me. I'm in college and this is gonna be the best time of my life. I refuse to put myself and him on the pedestal. not a day goes by where I don't think about how he's doing or what he's up to, but some things in life are uncontrollable. they are out of your hands and you have no power to change the situation. the only way you're going to make it out alive ad strong is if you rely on yourself for inner happiness. for him, it will be hard because he needs somebody to hold his hand. until he can find his way, he's on his own. I have no control over what has happened, but one thing is for sure... is that I run this town.
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