July 4th

Happy 4th of July everyone!


Rather than celebrating by burning fireworks, I think this year we'll save money by not burning them. I spent my 4th at the city park, well only for a little while. It was unbelievably packed with families. There's a local fish hatchery next by so we sat down on the bench to feed the fish. We got to take a nice stroll around - the atmosphere was great and relaxing with the families sitting down having their picnics (which I was suppose to have but it was way too hot to stay in one place for my grandpa.) Freedom isn't free. While you guys are out there burning things, remember the true meaning behind this holiday. Proud to live in a country that has many "rights," that other countries don't compare to. I wouldn't last a minute in my country knowing how oppressive it could it and access to water or food was sparse, if not very limited.


God bless America.

Anthony

The soldier who left a legacy

You might not know who that brave guy is above. Keep on reading.


It's early;  we're a bit slow today(well we were). It's approximately 12:35 PM on the clock nearby. I'm surfing the internet and I come across an article on headlines on CNN. It is a must read. It brings so much emotions such as sadness and anger. It's a moving story.. While reading, tears fell down my cheeks like rain drops.. Almost as if I know could feel the pain that was felt, like I lost someone great in my life. I'm wiping tears off my eyes as I type because it does, indeed hit home. Very beautiful, and remarkable story of bravery and valor from a soldier. 

It;s almost as if I've known him. I wish I had. His wishes will not go into silence as I'm apart of the cause he sought. I'm not just going to sit here and complain about something, I think I'm going to get involved now. Campaigns such as HRC come into mind and it's time for action.

I cannot stress it enough, it's a definite "must-read," here is the article, from CNN. 


Andrew Wilfahrt - Soldier leaves legacy much larger than 'he was gay.'

As fourth of July nears, let us be reminded that freedom is not FREE at all. There is no FREE in FREEDOM. It all comes down to a price - the price of life.

"A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long."

Anthony

Receptionist job & solving conflicts in life

Where do I even start? I'm at work right now and my mind is all over the place.(Well I wrote this on Monday so I'm really not at work right now. It's Saturday night right now.. I've been extremely busy.. need some time to catch up on my blog reading/social life soon!)

I guess I'll start off by describing how my job is like. I'm basically a receptionist. I make appointments for people, and call them and also confirm them. I sit up in the front at a desk and I'm the first thing they see. To make it obvious, there's even a red arrow plastered on the desk pointing up to me that says "Please sign in using the form here." You'd be amazed at how many people do not sign in and it's somewhat annoying because I have to enter their information in the computer. I guide them in to the tables or whatever they need to be, and sometimes I clean  the pedicure chairs when it's busy which is always. I do the basic cleaning stuff, and I mop/vaccum and close at the end of the day. Our business hours are from 8 am to 7pm so I have a pretty long shift, but it's much easier than fast food. I'd never want to work at fast food after hearing all the experiences that my friends have gone through. Being around frying stuff like all that oil and coming home smelling like an item on the menu doesn't sound too exciting, does it? Pretty chill though. I noticed that there aren't a lot of guys in this town (my age). There's a bunch of girls, but barely any guys! I guess straight guys have an advantage here because there's many to choose from. I get hit on every now and then, but by girls. I would bluntly say I'm not interested but I gotta be kind to everyone since my job is on the line lol. Where all the boys at? We'll find out when I start college in September :).

Our shop is in Walmart so I get to see a bunch of eye candy and also lots of unusual things that you usually wouldn't see.. I mean I see BIZZARE stuff all the time, entertainment and comedy at work. Which reminds me of this website that has pictures of funny things/people others see at Walmart. [Click that link-> PeopleOfWalmart] Back then, my best friend and I would go to Walmart because we had nothing else to do. That was like our hang out spot. From playing with the toys to doing weird stuff to other shoppers, that was the bomb. Sometimes we would both look at each other and have no idea what to do, then both of us just stare at each other for 5 seconds and know where we would want to go. Hahah, it's pretty funny because used to go there at 4 in the morning during our hang out days. Usually, if I hung out with my best friend's house late at night that would automatically turn into me sleeping over. Some people don't see the fun in Walmart, but when you hang around the right person then Walmart is like an amusement part for us. Now there's no need to take trips to Walmart because I basically LIVE in Walmart with my work being "in" Walmart haha.

Every now and then we have tourists from all over the world that come to town to do their nails and it's nice to have a little chit chat with them asking them how life is from where they're from and other questions.

For instance, I met a tourist from Australia the other day. She and her husband just retired, and I think they're about in their 50's and they're on their way to Mantiboa, Canada so they happened to cross my town on the way. Probably one of the most down to earth persons' I've ever met. I didn't know that greeting a complete, random stranger would turn into a 30 minute conversation that I would always. She was so happy, and her husband was the same way too. I asked them why they were so happy, of course they would be happy cause they're traveling but she told me that she lived a great life and she's ready to relax now. Her 40th wedding anniversary was coming up too. I guess they were having a trip of their lifetime because they did say they went many U.S. cities. She went into depth about that but it would probably take a bunch of novels to explain what she told me. Basically, I could telll she lived by a motto was "Be happy now, because there might not be a tomorrow." It does make sense to live by that motto, really it does.

Linda, one of my close friends, says that it's a blessing for me to have moved over here and I completely agree that it is a blessing. I am much happier, and I guess my happiness is growing by the day. I realize that there's too much in this life to make a fuss about, I'm only here for a short amount of time and you are too. Why focus on something that will never change or doesn't look so great right now? Instead, turn the negative energy into positive energy. You will send off vibes that will be great. If you want something at life.. GO GET IT! 'CAUSE YOU MIGHT MISS IT! GIVE YOUR BEST SHOT.. And if that shot doesn't work.. then move onto something else. Replace the happiness that you lost with another, because there will certainly be another. You're gonna miss out if you focus on something that never changes, because there's something much much more better out there for you. Whether it be a new job, new opportunity, new friendships, new interest, hobby, or even make over. DO IT. Make yourself happy. Don't care about what others think because you run your life. You run this place. You honestly can't pin point happiness because as my friend Linda said, quoted from one of the LDS Conferences talk in which she mentioned in her speech to the church last Sunday, "Happiness comes in small packages. It's up to you to treasure it." (I'm going to have to ask her about this quote because I don't quite remember it, but I remember having a phone date with her - she told me about her speech and it hit me real good. Like a rebirth or something.) You might find fake treasure along the way but there's something bigger on the other side, worth more than anything.

There's many ways to view that quote.

I like to break things down literally in my head to analyze things because it really helps to focus on one issue at a time instead of thinking of EVERYTHING at once.

Relationship view:

For instance, giving up on hopes of my ex coming back has made me a better person. I'm much more happier, and I do not have to live with regret knowing I lost something good. I don't need anyone to be happy, because honestly, if I can't be happy on my own, then that means I'm DEPENDENT on someone else for that emotion. And being dependent isn't attractive at all. He made me happy for a moment, but totally trashed that moment. Then, that caused unhappiness in my life. What did I do? I gave my best and all, and now I let go.

Grudges? 

No.

Regrets? 

No.. Because at that very moment, he meant something extraordinary and special in my life. He bought a lot of happiness, and tears at the same time. I loved him, and I'm pretty sure he does too.. I don't think I can ever stop loving him, who knows. He might not know this, but I love him in a different way. No longer romantic, but from the ashes of once was burnt, but healed heart. Chapter closed and done.

Forgiven? 

Yes. I believe that in order to really let go, you have to forgive that person for whatever they did; no matter how hurtful things might of been, it takes guts and time to get to this point where you cling onto hope of "them" coming back. 

Do I still think about him?
Of course. He was my first. I had many memories with him - on both sides of the equation good and bad. They remain frozen in the book called "my history." They are frozen like still photographs of him and I together. Everything remains frozen as the snow continues to blizzard on top of those memories. I wonder how he is doing, what things he is doing in his life.. But I realize that anything else is no longer in my control, for example: his health and his desire to inform me about his health is up to him. I'm no longer in that position to worry like that anymore.

Do you have hope?
Hope is dangerous place. Hope for what? Hope for him coming back? I've moved on as I crushed any hopes of him coming back. I'm moving on to do great things with my life. I'm happy. In my mind and heart, I wish him the very best in life and hope he one day finds what he is looking for. I sent that message off in the universe - the vast space of time will hear the message, and eventually he will find his own path to happiness - whether it be different from my path; I'm fine because all I want to see is him smiling, one day far down the road.

Being single sounds good right now because who needs relationships anyways, I gotta get my life and career aspect settled down first right?! I guess I'm living "forever alone" right now. Just kidding, not forever, maybe until Cam Gigandet shows up or Mr. "Knight in Shining armour" comes by.

Family conflict view:

As you know (or might not know), I moved out of my mom's. She has nothing to do with me anymore and I have nothing to do with her. My sisters are trapped basically in that house with an abusive man. But look, it's happened numerous times and countless times in her life for her not to learn her mistakes. I can't change how someone lives their life but I did try. I gave my attempt at letting her know what she was doing with her life, and that failed so I let go. I'm in a better place now. Though I am worried about my little sisters, I'd worry about my life first before theirs.

School view:

Now this one, I'm sure you can relate to. Remember back in the days, (or maybe now), your teacher told you that there was a test "next week" and you ended up staying up last minute the day before the test, studying? Then when you took the test the next week, you totally bombed it? Well, I guess that's a lesson learned (for some, lol). You gave your best shot at it! But did you stare and mop all over the test hating yourself for it? No, not really. maybe the first two days or week but then you say you'll do your best the next time. Lesson learned right? That was a bad example because I know some people who "procrastinate" ahem, me, that still do. Though I don't bomb tests as often.

Fire view:

Have you touched a stove that was really hot? Or maybe a pot that was hot? And you instantly moved your hand and knew not to do it again? Maybe you don't remember, because that was such at a young age that you knew not to put your hand on a hot stove. But you learned from it. And that can be applied to life..

As long as you give your best shot at things, you aren't a quitter. You didn't give up because you tried. There's a difference between not trying, and giving up. In reality, you try and then you fail. You can either keep on trying or use that energy on something else that will be more better. That's what I'm doing, using my energy into positives now.

In conclusion: you make mistakes. you get hurt badly, you learn from them. and then is where the growth as a unique individual you are, begins. 

"Never give up, never surrender."
                                              -Buzz Lightyear

Ending this post with a upbeat song. I think it suits well for how things are goin!

Random song: Best love song - T-Pain. I heard this on the radio on the way home from work, turned it up WAYY loud. Enjoyable ride home with the bass and everything. I'm diggin it!

Later guys,
Anthony

Victory in New York

Coming home from work, and helping my aunt cook dinner I anxiously check my twitter and also CNN to look at the news. As you might (or might not have known), New York was to vote on same sex marriage tonight. Same sex marriage is legalized in New York. The governor just signed the bill which will give us the right to marry within 30 days. Instantly expressed my happiness on twitter, facebook, and now I'm writing it out on blogspot haha.

I linked the CNN article there which should be updated as things progress. There's a lot of hateful comments as well as supportive ones on the CNN article that I linked above.

Here are some that I saw that stood out.. :

ElectricWojo

"Two men getting married, or two women getting married, has no effect me. If it has an effect on you, you have more problems than you think."

barbhop

"the gays are all sick minded and unable to relate to the opposite sex - this gross lifestyle is the cause of AIDS and it is the taxpayer who will get to pay for their medical care for a sick sick lifestly!!!!  This has nothing to do with government and they are way over the top voting on this trash!"

 

Wow.. DADT repealed, Bin Laden dead, same sex marriage, lots of big things happening this year..

I'm EXTREMELYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HAPPPY inside. Even though I don't live in NY, I can see this as the early stages of federal marriage rights for GBLT people. Starting with state level, and then moving on to the fed. level. Even though there's still a lot to be done, it's a sign that the U.S. in general is progressing towards marriage equality for the GBLT community. It's a hot topic and debate between the two sides. 

Knowing New York, being Republican controlled is a great thing because this, indeed, will cause a national impact if it hasn't already. I'm shocked that the bill made it to the Senate. I'm very happy, because this is history in the making. I'm apart of it, the battle that we all have to go through everyday concerning the right to marry. 

Some might say that gay's don't deserve special rights just for being gay. But in reality, marriage is a universal thing. The right to marry is a universal human right. It's love, between two people. And that's all that matters..

"I didn't chose to be gay. Gay chose me."

(Yeah I got that from @luanlegacy from one of his youtube videos.)

"Kelsey Grammer can end a 15yr marriage by phone, Larry King is on divorce #9, Britney Spears had ...a 55hr marriage, Jesse James & Tiger Woods, while married, were having sex with EVERYONE, 53% of Americans get divorced and 30-60% cheat on their spouses. Yet, same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage? Really? Re-post if you find this ironic."






Anthony

I'm happy once again.

I ended up moving to south dakota in May to live with my uncles family. I been pushed too my limits involving my mom who is no longer my mom. she is an evil person but I'm old enough to be responsible and not have to rely on anyone.

we live in a small community. 1 hour away from Rapid City. it's extremely different here but in a good way.


I rethought about the air force and know that that is the last option now. I can work with my uncle during college in which I reapplied for the local university in town about 10 mins away driving. some might say it's a disadvantage that I'm in a small town, of appx 10,000 people but it's really great here. every body knows everybody, and a plus is that my uncle owns two successful nail businesses here that I can work at. I'm already working full time for him and my aunt during the summer so it's a steady income for me that I can live on since I don't have to pay any bills, I'm just overall great. Im planning on to get my nail license also so that I can do nails part time which doesn't sound so great but you gotta do what you gotta do to survive. I don't want anyone to support me so i want to be independent. my uncle is already doing enough and I'm just a receptionist at the moment. with a nail license I could be making a grand a week because business is great. and thats speaking from part time too!!


people here are so friendly. we live in a pretty great neighborhood too, let's just say that people around here are more than well rounded.

my cousins are little biscuits too. they're so cute and funny. they have me to look up to as an older brother and I'm glad im here because their parents are hard workers and work all day.

I'll post more later. I'm watching Kung Fu panda 2. sorry for the lack of updates in my life! I'll try to post more often now that life is great.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

Insight to what the ex is facing.

The last post about my ex was about 3 weeks ago. Lots has changed, well not really but I have some bad news about him.

Around April 1st, I texted him to let him know that I was thinking about him and that he's been on my mind. He responded and we joked around a lot, everything was going great until I gave in and let my emotions take over that same night. I poured out my feelings to him, it was a dumb decision to pour everything out because I ended up getting turned down again. Lesson learned though.. He told me not to hold onto the past and that I will find someone better and more healthy. (This implies that he is still feeling low about himself so he is in a way stronger, but he isn't strong enough to be in a relationship. And now I'm okay with that being that he has a lot on his plate). I was being selfish and basically gave him the worst ultimatum. I basically told him that I don't want to do anything with him unless he wanted to work on building a relationship with me - it was very stupid of me to say that. I wished him good luck in everything and basically treated it like it was a goodbye. He didn't reply to any of that and I didn't expect him to. 

Now that I think of it, was I caring for his needs or my needs? I was being selfish.

My best friend and I saw it as the last contact I would make with him, or so we thought at that time. I was sure that was "it" for me and him, I even deleted all the text messages that he sent from our early days of  talking because I kept them all until that day. It felt like rejection all over again, and I couldn't understand why he was still feeling so low about himself because truly I feel that him and I are "meant to be," maybe it's the wrong timing. The anger lasted a couple days because my emotions changed. I would be swimming in a pool of regret later lasting for almost two weeks..

It felt like.. a can of worms was opened all over again.

Two weeks later (today) I wake up with a nightmare of him again haunting me in my dreams. It's like there's something telling me that I did something wrong so I analyze everything I said to him again. I was sinking in grief for the past two weeks because I felt helpless that I couldn't help him and I kept on thinking what kind of person I was to him giving him that ultimatum. And this nightmare was the last straw for me. I had to do something. I don't have anyone to talk to about relationship stuff, well I have my best friend and some close friends but I'm afraid to burden them because I'm not myself anymore. I lsot my glow and honestly, if you compare how I look today to my college ID card picture in Fall 2010 and photos taken around the time him I started going out, I look much more healthier and happier at that time than the present moment. Besides losing my glow and feeling down, when compared to what he is facing - he has SO much more on his plate than I can imagine..

I talked to one of close friends about this situation and I confirmed to myself that I came off as selfish and greedy. I let my emotions take over so I had to do something about it.

I thought I let go of him, but the truth is I still love him very much. I sent him a text message apologizing about the thing about never contacting me again unless he wants to work on things. I also said in that text message that I was still the same caring "Anthony" he met from day one. He replied very rudely and said "You asked me to stop contacting you so I did." I think I deserved a break because it was my first time in a break up, but he was probably very hurt by what I said. I know I hurt him a lot when I gave him that ultimatum so I see why he was being the way he was. He told me that I should watch what I say and think next time before I send it and that was it. He didn't directly say his feelings, but the way he came off - I know he was hurt by what I said and I don't know what went in his mind for the past two weeks.  I apologized for hurting him and he told me that I was suppose to move on a long time ago, and that he has moved on already.

The moment I saw the words "I already moved on" my reaction was this:

 

I was shocked. I froze. My heart stopped. But that was my impulse reaction. I didn't respond right away because my impulse emotions are always wrong, at least in relationship stuff. See you kind of make a lot of mistakes in your first relationship, whether it's a break up - everyone is bound to make mistakes the first time around. It didn't make sense that he would move on so quickly. Luckily, I was chatting with one of my close friends who guided me on what to do. She said that she thinks he is probably in denial because how could you move on so fast?

I had to act cool, and I told him that I'm in a better place now. I would of probably flipped if I didn't have that close friend there talking to me. I have to be strong about this whole situation because this is the make it or break it moment. He might of just said that he moved on so I wouldn't hold onto him anymore. Or maybe it was a test to see if I'm relationship material - I remember in the early days of the break up I told him that I would stick with him even if he had this illness. If I can't support him when he is at his worst, then I have no right to be with him when he is at his best. His illness probably made him feel this way and this later proved to be true.

I asked him how his health was going. He told me he was going to the hospital soon to get a biopsy done on his liver because he has a high virus count of 10 x 10^8 in his bloodstream. That's a chronic condition, he pointed out. He also said that it requires treatment "now" but he said the doctors won't let him take medicine because they're scared the virus might mutate. I asked him how he manages the pain everyday, but he dodged the question and said that he's been busy with AP stuff at school so the pain isn't that much anymore. I told him to keep me updated, he agreed.

So there goes that.. sometimes you wish you could help out the people who are in pain.. also lately, one of my friends isn't doing so well and I wish I could just make them feel better. Sometimes I don't have the words to comfort them in this time of need, so I try to show by my actions because actions show more than words.

In these situations involving my friend and my ex, I want to help sooo bad. I guess it's best to let nature take its course, the only thing I can do is try to be there for support. Friendships are a big thing to me, so I definitely am here for support  because I've been there before, maybe the situation might be different but we all felt those emotions at one point of our lives..

I have to be understanding about what my ex is facing right now because emotions are a big thing. You appear to be happy to others but that' might just be an act that they put up. They could be feeling like the lowest person in the world, and I've done this so called "acting" too. It's not a great spot to be in. Everybody does it. My ex admits to me that he acts sometimes, and I was the only one in his life to spot him out from the rest. He's acting right now. There is no simple solution to everything because things are complex. You just have to go with the flow, and hold onto the ride.

I might be breaking all norms of a relationship by talking to him and supporting him, but I think this is the best thing to do. I know what I need to do now. I'll prepare for the worst so I don't get more hurt. I'll be there for him because I love him. I'm keeping my distance. I don't want to abandon him forever, because it's absolutely irrational to leave him alone. He might reject his feelings now, but when the skies become stormy for him - he'll appreciate my support. At least he will know that I care about him, because that might push him more to fight this. When the skies clear up for him, there's a possibly he might even look upon me as a real man.

After all, there's no doubt in my mind that I am a man.


Anthony

AF recruiter interview

Two weeks ago I walked into the AF recruiter office hoping to talk to a recruiter. That didn't work out to well because you had to make an appointment which I didn't know about. My friend, Tanya, was with me. I met her in junior year of high school and we managed to talk again after many months of not talking. We weren't really close like that, only friends in class but somehow I guess we started talking again just last month through facebook. She's planning on to go to the Army reserves so we thought it would be a good idea for us two to be work out buddies. 

We ended up hanging out that day and started our very first workout. And that was at the park. I haven't ran in ages so I was lagging a bit, but yeah. We went to the dollar theater to watch "The Roommate" and also we saw parts of "Tangled." Cam Gigandet played a role in "The Roommate" and there were a couple of explicit scenes, but that's normal with every movie. Cam Gigandet is my new man. Just kidding, he's actually married with kids, but I can always dream right? Waait.. my ex wouldn't be happy about this so nevermind! (I have news about him coming up in the next post)

What a stud.

Anyways, back to the appointment. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, two days after I made the appointment. I sat there in the lobby with the other two soldiers dressed in their blues and combat uniform, and there was a recruitment video showing various different scenes of boot camp. I sat there for like an hour and the lobby was really small so it was weird because the two guys were just standing there. I was waiting for my name to be called up by the recruiters in the back, and after an hour of waiting they finally called my name and did a short interview.

The room had no door and it was a open space. I think the walls were built sound proof or something because I remember he was talking to a potential candidate like me but I did not hear anything. The interview consisted of questions asking if I ever been married, have kids, taken drugs, have asthma, etc. and why I want to join the AF. My recruiter's name was Sergeant C. and he was pretty tall and built. He had 6 strips so I assume that he's been in the AF for a while. I then had to take the practice test and I scored above the minimum so I can enlist! But the only thing that was preventing me from enlisting was my weight. They told me they weren't allowed to give waivers because the AF was so full and that there were other potential candiates that didn't require a waiver, so they told me to come back when I gained 10 pounds. That kind of sucked because I felt like I was turned down, but I'll be coming back in a month with some progress.

My friend Tanya suggested I get those weights that you were able to put in your pockets but that would be lying. I weigh about 109 pounds with all my clothes on so I don't think they will strip me down to my boxers in the recruiting office. The minimum weight for my height is 117 pounds so I have a bunch to gain. 

I don't do much cardio anymore because that would burn all the calories away so I'm pretty much lifting heavy. Muscle weights more than fat so I think I should gain the pounds within a month. I'm excited and stoked!

Anthony