The last post about my ex was about 3 weeks ago. Lots has changed, well not really but I have some bad news about him.
Around April 1st, I texted him to let him know that I was thinking about him and that he's been on my mind. He responded and we joked around a lot, everything was going great until I gave in and let my emotions take over that same night. I poured out my feelings to him, it was a dumb decision to pour everything out because I ended up getting turned down again. Lesson learned though.. He told me not to hold onto the past and that I will find someone better and more healthy. (This implies that he is still feeling low about himself so he is in a way stronger, but he isn't strong enough to be in a relationship. And now I'm okay with that being that he has a lot on his plate). I was being selfish and basically gave him the worst ultimatum. I basically told him that I don't want to do anything with him unless he wanted to work on building a relationship with me - it was very stupid of me to say that. I wished him good luck in everything and basically treated it like it was a goodbye. He didn't reply to any of that and I didn't expect him to.
Now that I think of it, was I caring for his needs or my needs? I was being selfish.
My best friend and I saw it as the last contact I would make with him, or so we thought at that time. I was sure that was "it" for me and him, I even deleted all the text messages that he sent from our early days of talking because I kept them all until that day. It felt like rejection all over again, and I couldn't understand why he was still feeling so low about himself because truly I feel that him and I are "meant to be," maybe it's the wrong timing. The anger lasted a couple days because my emotions changed. I would be swimming in a pool of regret later lasting for almost two weeks..
It felt like.. a can of worms was opened all over again.
Two weeks later (today) I wake up with a nightmare of him again haunting me in my dreams. It's like there's something telling me that I did something wrong so I analyze everything I said to him again. I was sinking in grief for the past two weeks because I felt helpless that I couldn't help him and I kept on thinking what kind of person I was to him giving him that ultimatum. And this nightmare was the last straw for me. I had to do something. I don't have anyone to talk to about relationship stuff, well I have my best friend and some close friends but I'm afraid to burden them because I'm not myself anymore. I lsot my glow and honestly, if you compare how I look today to my college ID card picture in Fall 2010 and photos taken around the time him I started going out, I look much more healthier and happier at that time than the present moment. Besides losing my glow and feeling down, when compared to what he is facing - he has SO much more on his plate than I can imagine..
I talked to one of close friends about this situation and I confirmed to myself that I came off as selfish and greedy. I let my emotions take over so I had to do something about it.
I thought I let go of him, but the truth is I still love him very much. I sent him a text message apologizing about the thing about never contacting me again unless he wants to work on things. I also said in that text message that I was still the same caring "Anthony" he met from day one. He replied very rudely and said "You asked me to stop contacting you so I did." I think I deserved a break because it was my first time in a break up, but he was probably very hurt by what I said. I know I hurt him a lot when I gave him that ultimatum so I see why he was being the way he was. He told me that I should watch what I say and think next time before I send it and that was it. He didn't directly say his feelings, but the way he came off - I know he was hurt by what I said and I don't know what went in his mind for the past two weeks. I apologized for hurting him and he told me that I was suppose to move on a long time ago, and that he has moved on already.
The moment I saw the words "I already moved on" my reaction was this:
I was shocked. I froze. My heart stopped. But that was my impulse reaction. I didn't respond right away because my impulse emotions are always wrong, at least in relationship stuff. See you kind of make a lot of mistakes in your first relationship, whether it's a break up - everyone is bound to make mistakes the first time around. It didn't make sense that he would move on so quickly. Luckily, I was chatting with one of my close friends who guided me on what to do. She said that she thinks he is probably in denial because how could you move on so fast?
I had to act cool, and I told him that I'm in a better place now. I would of probably flipped if I didn't have that close friend there talking to me. I have to be strong about this whole situation because this is the make it or break it moment. He might of just said that he moved on so I wouldn't hold onto him anymore. Or maybe it was a test to see if I'm relationship material - I remember in the early days of the break up I told him that I would stick with him even if he had this illness. If I can't support him when he is at his worst, then I have no right to be with him when he is at his best. His illness probably made him feel this way and this later proved to be true.
I asked him how his health was going. He told me he was going to the hospital soon to get a biopsy done on his liver because he has a high virus count of 10 x 10^8 in his bloodstream. That's a chronic condition, he pointed out. He also said that it requires treatment "now" but he said the doctors won't let him take medicine because they're scared the virus might mutate. I asked him how he manages the pain everyday, but he dodged the question and said that he's been busy with AP stuff at school so the pain isn't that much anymore. I told him to keep me updated, he agreed.
So there goes that.. sometimes you wish you could help out the people who are in pain.. also lately, one of my friends isn't doing so well and I wish I could just make them feel better. Sometimes I don't have the words to comfort them in this time of need, so I try to show by my actions because actions show more than words.
In these situations involving my friend and my ex, I want to help sooo bad. I guess it's best to let nature take its course, the only thing I can do is try to be there for support. Friendships are a big thing to me, so I definitely am here for support because I've been there before, maybe the situation might be different but we all felt those emotions at one point of our lives..
I have to be understanding about what my ex is facing right now because emotions are a big thing. You appear to be happy to others but that' might just be an act that they put up. They could be feeling like the lowest person in the world, and I've done this so called "acting" too. It's not a great spot to be in. Everybody does it. My ex admits to me that he acts sometimes, and I was the only one in his life to spot him out from the rest. He's acting right now. There is no simple solution to everything because things are complex. You just have to go with the flow, and hold onto the ride.
I might be breaking all norms of a relationship by talking to him and supporting him, but I think this is the best thing to do. I know what I need to do now. I'll prepare for the worst so I don't get more hurt. I'll be there for him because I love him. I'm keeping my distance. I don't want to abandon him forever, because it's absolutely irrational to leave him alone. He might reject his feelings now, but when the skies become stormy for him - he'll appreciate my support. At least he will know that I care about him, because that might push him more to fight this. When the skies clear up for him, there's a possibly he might even look upon me as a real man.
After all, there's no doubt in my mind that I am a man.
Anthony
I had to act cool, and I told him that I'm in a better place now. I would of probably flipped if I didn't have that close friend there talking to me. I have to be strong about this whole situation because this is the make it or break it moment. He might of just said that he moved on so I wouldn't hold onto him anymore. Or maybe it was a test to see if I'm relationship material - I remember in the early days of the break up I told him that I would stick with him even if he had this illness. If I can't support him when he is at his worst, then I have no right to be with him when he is at his best. His illness probably made him feel this way and this later proved to be true.
I asked him how his health was going. He told me he was going to the hospital soon to get a biopsy done on his liver because he has a high virus count of 10 x 10^8 in his bloodstream. That's a chronic condition, he pointed out. He also said that it requires treatment "now" but he said the doctors won't let him take medicine because they're scared the virus might mutate. I asked him how he manages the pain everyday, but he dodged the question and said that he's been busy with AP stuff at school so the pain isn't that much anymore. I told him to keep me updated, he agreed.
So there goes that.. sometimes you wish you could help out the people who are in pain.. also lately, one of my friends isn't doing so well and I wish I could just make them feel better. Sometimes I don't have the words to comfort them in this time of need, so I try to show by my actions because actions show more than words.
In these situations involving my friend and my ex, I want to help sooo bad. I guess it's best to let nature take its course, the only thing I can do is try to be there for support. Friendships are a big thing to me, so I definitely am here for support because I've been there before, maybe the situation might be different but we all felt those emotions at one point of our lives..
I have to be understanding about what my ex is facing right now because emotions are a big thing. You appear to be happy to others but that' might just be an act that they put up. They could be feeling like the lowest person in the world, and I've done this so called "acting" too. It's not a great spot to be in. Everybody does it. My ex admits to me that he acts sometimes, and I was the only one in his life to spot him out from the rest. He's acting right now. There is no simple solution to everything because things are complex. You just have to go with the flow, and hold onto the ride.
I might be breaking all norms of a relationship by talking to him and supporting him, but I think this is the best thing to do. I know what I need to do now. I'll prepare for the worst so I don't get more hurt. I'll be there for him because I love him. I'm keeping my distance. I don't want to abandon him forever, because it's absolutely irrational to leave him alone. He might reject his feelings now, but when the skies become stormy for him - he'll appreciate my support. At least he will know that I care about him, because that might push him more to fight this. When the skies clear up for him, there's a possibly he might even look upon me as a real man.
After all, there's no doubt in my mind that I am a man.
Anthony
No comments:
Post a Comment