Where am I?!

I haven't done a blog post in a long time. I've been really occupied with school. Many presentations, projects, essays, everything is getting much more in depth. it's getting up there! Good news though, all the studying I've done had a great outcome. I A'ced my first psychology test and also the music appreciation test. And as for my English presentations that I did - my partner and I Aced it also. So far this semester is looking good. BUT I am not looking forward to my music appreciation test that I have on Friday. It has a listening section and the music is.. so, yeah. Bad? We have to identify musical terms by marking it on the music sheet while the music is playing. No word bank either. =X

What's been happening in my life lately? Hmm.. good question.  

Kristina's transition into early education.. 

 Kristina's caretaker went out of country just today so she's staying home with us from now on. I suggested my mom to enroll her in pre-school being that we have a day care center, with great reviews from parents, near my neighborhood. I read some reviews on google and yelp = the majority are positive. There's even some parents that live far away but still commute to this day care center because it's that good. Home cooked meals, art, hands on learning experiences, wonderful staff (supposedly), and such. I arranged a tour of the center so my mom and I, along with Kristina, are going to check out the place tomorrow morning. I can't wait to go there because I'm interested in seeing how the environment is. It makes me feel like a parent already being all concerned about what kinda stuff Kristina will be doing and what kinda care she's getting from there. A little experience with parenting is good for the future if you know what I mean. Brings back memories of my pre-k and k years. I was a total goof ball and was really clumsy. By goof ball, I mean I did silly things to other kids in my class. For example, I would sometimes get jealous because this guy got to play with the blocks more than I did - so as revenge I would wait for him to sit down but as the dude is sitting, I pull away his chair so he can fall down. And then I would run away. Haha, it makes me laugh so much when I think back of what dork I was. Everyone has their stories and I have plenty. 

My Dad!?!

I was fixing some technical problems that my mom had with her phone and we just began to talk. Jennifer was in the room and she was listening, curiously. My mom doesn't really open up to me like that because she's not the type of person to talk about the past. I never seen her cry or express emotions freely, but I know she does that kinda stuff in private. I only seen her cry once and that was when Kristina's dad left the home violently after the argument that got him gone like the wind. We talked about her work, I talked about Jennifer's progress in school because she got her progress report for the FOCUS class she's in. FOCUS is like a gifted program, kinda like honors level elementary school stuff. Then, my dad popped in my mind for some reason. I grew up without a dad in my life so I got pretty curious as expected. I only know that he was mixed with Caucasian and that he was a bad guy to my mom, hence that's why they split (but not divorce because my mom wasn't married to him). I finally was able to get through with my mom about my dad. I asked her what she thinks of when she looks at me, and she smiled. I knew she was gonna say my dad. And then asked, "Do you think about my Dad?" She didn't give an answer but smiled again, a bigger smile and that was enough for me to know that it was a "yes." She gave me his name and I looked him up on facebook, go figure. There were a lot of results so I messaged the ones I thought were my dad due to looks. Waiting for replies, and yeah it's kind of weird to ask a message "Are you my dad?" I didn't neccesary ask like that, more like give short clues of who I am, if you ever had a son named "Anthony" whose mom's name starts with an "L" (my mom). Asked for a follow up if matches descriptions, so I'll see if any of them can fill in the blanks. It would be different having a father figure in your life.. I always wanted to do dad things with him like go fishing or play sports in the park. I miss my dad even though I don't know who he is or what he looks like.

 

Jennifer and I

Past few days with her have been great. We are doing more things like hanging out, sitting down and talking about life. I can't wait til Spring comes so the weather can finally settle down and not change every so often. Spring = more time around nature and exploring with Jennifer. Last summer, my sister and I went biking on a trail at our park with her friends. It was really fun racing and watching my sister socialize with her friends because I'm watching her grow up right before my eyes. We had a couple life talks too. There was one talk that intrigued my interests. In summary, Jennifer basically told me that mom tells her "adult" stuff.. which is no good. Like grown up material stuff. Mom doesn't know how to properly parent a child but that's okay. She's been through a lot and has nobody to vent to - so I guess she tells Jennifer. Jennifer says she doesn't wanna hear about it but mom doesn't stop talking. Putting myself in my mom's shoes, I can see stress E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E. Jennifer's past has been not so good either because she saw my mom go through physical and emotional abuse by her own dad (Jennifer's dad) which is so damaging emotionally. I know from first hand account. Jennifer and I witnessed the similar abuse with Kristina's dad. I'm working establishing a good sibling bro-sis "friendship" with her because I was distant most of the time. I told her about what kind of kid I was when I was little. I'm just teaching her that I'm not serious all the time like I have been for the past years. Basic morals are being taught and manners so she will grow up to be a good kid. I know when I'm set for life, she'll be around my age right now and can teach our latest addition to the family, Kristina, about what I taught her. 

It would definitely help me in the future as she's one of the closest person to me. Family is highly important because nothing can ever separate the blood relationship you have with your siblings.  It's cool to think that we both came from the same mom - we have features that can be linked back to my mom. A feature is our beauty. Cliche, I know. But if you look at both my sisters, and probably me too - we are all beautiful and handsome. Kristina is mixed with Caucasian and it's pretty darn noticeable due to her hair color, eyes, and face structure. Jennifer is flawless and will grow up to be beautiful as many people in my family say. I agree with them. Me, I'm pretty handsome or like to think so, haha. I looked at my mom's pictures when she was younger and wow - she's really pretty.  People irreplaceable.. once they're gone - they're gone. They do leave foot prints in your heart though.. 

Healing process

Lately, I've been thinking about my ex. I still feel the same way towards him. I love him still. A friend told me that I guess I should be ready to accept the fact that I will never stop loving him. The past days I've been bleeding my heart out (not literally), but like doing stuff like crying. Not like obsesive fan girl style crying, but like a 5 minute cry laying in bed at night. It's hard to admit this to anyone because I know it seems like it's easy to move on - trust me, when you're in love with someone and you have them drop off the face of the earth over night - it's not easy to move on. And to know that he's in pain and suffering too because of his sickness? Yeah, sucky. Maybe one day I might get "the talk" from him, but I wouldn't expect it. I'm doing pretty good about not contacting him. It's been three months since the break up and that is like much more longer than my relationship with him. It's reallly hard.. I avoid looking at any V-Day stuff at the stores like at Walmart.. literally they have isles of V-day stuff. I never had a Valentines before, but I guess I should save it for someone who feels the same way I do, and wants to keep the relationship. Why does everyone search for something that is so great and can change your life, but has the potential to drag you down to the point where you feel like your heart has been ripped out? It's like a double sided dagger, one side isn't so sharp but the other one is like razor sharp. But it's all good, you can't pass up opportunities like this so every bit of pain that I am going through right now will only bring me one step closer to my knight in shining armor. No not really, but you get the point. It's gonna be all about me this year and I'm okay with that.

Eh it's getting late now. Exhausted from today because I did some house cleaning today and dusting. Don't laugh at me, haha. I got kinda OCD because our upstairs living room was a MESS because of Kristina - she bought out all her toys up here and ate her little snacks upstairs. That was enough to get me started on everything else. No need to explain in detail, haha. Sneaky lil one was hiding food up here so she can eat. Really clever, but her hiding spot isn't much of a hiding spot anymore because of me.

BTW you should really listen to this song because it's awesome. I was listening to it when I was writing this blog post. It made me kinda sad but it relaxed me. I should of posted it in the beginning but here you go! 

 PS. I have't forgotten about "The Scarf" - it's still incomplete I know. Stay curious :)

I feeel sleeepy now.

Good night.

Anthony