believing..

"sometimes you just gotta believe in what you can't see."



are you a believer?

I am.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

ouch

I'm typing from my iPod right now so this post will be not as detailed. well, my internet has been down for the past week so I haven't really been on anything lately. right now I'm sitting in mycar in a parking lot near mcd's using their wifi


things have gotten worse but it could be worse. my mom hit me for the first time today. she snapped the moment she came home because of her mind controlling boyfriend. he's been starting problems with my grandpa and also I, along with Jennifer the 2nd to oldest sister of mine. he lies to my mom saying that Jennifer hits the youngest one, and a bunch of other nonsense. I'm really uncomfortable at home now and the environment doesn't even seem right anymore. he's always around looking and giving faces at me whenever I do ordinary things like get food. what? I can't live comfortablyinmy own house? apparently not.

my mom came home today and immediately started snapping at Jennifer. bothof y sisters gave nintendo dsi's and they're both lost somewhere in te house. dude says that Jennifer took it and hid it when Jennifer honestly doesn't know where it is. mom and him assume it's in my room because she chills in my room because I'm like a dad to her, she runs to me and I run to her when it is deemed appropriate. so my mom believes that it's in my room and goes and forces Jennifer to find the dsi's yelling and starting to hit her everywhere on the back, head, leg, face etc. the moment she laid a hand onjennifer I ran and tried to block the blows and my mom then directed the blows to me. Hitting my face, making my nose bleed, and scratching my arms. grandpa came in the picture to stop me because I started getting very angry, stopped my moms hand several times but I did what I could to save some hurtfu hits from being hit on Jennifer. all this over a dsi, really? it's because of that boyfriend of her that makes her think bad things, he's really disrespectful and while all this was occurring be was standing in he kitchen watching and I saw him grin when I walked back to my grandpa room to calm down. my mom dragged Jennifer in the master bed room and resorted to hitting Jennifer even more and I could hear her cry but couldn't do anything because mom locked the room. I don't know how hurt she got but she was cryin a lot. I called m friend Linda and stood in my room after trying to cal down in grandpas room but couldn't with Jennifer crying. my moms boyfriend is a monster, he needs to get out of my house as my mom is getting out of hand.

I'm stressed over this but am calm now. im sleeping over at my best friends house today and avoidingmy momin total from now. she lost my respect by hittingmy innocent sister Jennifer like that. im talking to a recruiter today to get my life going because imready to leave. as for my sisters, my mom doesn't deserve to have kids if he isn't intelligent enoughto believe them. she would rather believe a maniplulaive person over her own kids and father. it's sad. this is the last straw for me as I can't live like this anymore. I'm ready to despite the people I'll leave behind, I'll be in a better place instead of feeling helpless because I can't change my mom if her boyfriend is around. if she isn't seeing the inflicting damage she has done to her kids, then I'll make her see it the day I leave for good as talks with her wil be strictly about my sisters and grandpa. when she changes or if she does, I'll be back in the picture but I would prefer them not to live with my mom anymore. foster homes is a sad truth, it may not get that extreme as we can have a social worker check up on things every now and then to interview my sisters for any signs of emotional and physical neglect. which by the way, her boyfriend is one to the little one, Kristina. I'll do everything I can to make sure they are in the ight hands when I leave. my grandpa is old, and these sisters if mine gave already been through so much and as one of my closets friends linda says, I don't want to wait until a limb or life is lost before I take action as my life would be filled with the harsh reality of large regret.

itsnot the fact that the dsi caused problems no. it's the harsh fact that my mom believes a thief, stranger, scum, and disrespectful person. I would believe my own kids over someone I just met a year whsoe already causing too much problems within the family. if you can't love or raise kids don't have em. if you can't take care of them, don't have them. if you can't be there for the kids then get out because you are ruining their mentality. this kind of stuff scars you for life.


things could be worse so i have faith in myself and believe that this will be for the very best and sake of my family..

the military will probably be a better place for me, I'll have people who would jump a bullet for me as I would for them. gotta live up to my name and it's not happening if I stay in this home any longer. active duty army/air force here I come.. I'll miss everyone but something greater is waiting for me there. I sure might not make a whole lot, but I'll learn a trade that will be useful in the civilian sector and go on from there.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

He's stronger!

The picture sort of explains that he grabbed a grip of hope for his drastic situation.

I gave in and texted my ex back. I'm glad I responded. 

I still miss the relationship, but I cannot be selfish because he has better things to sort out and the best thing I can do is to be there for him. Not be there for him as in give it my all (because that's saved for relationships only), but more like some emotional support for his health. Kinda like the space in between a friend and a lover? I've learned that in break ups, the dumper's behavior is intensified and this could be compared to the temperature scale. My ex has thought about breaking up with me for a long time, but he just didn't have the guts to do it until things took a turn on his health. It's true that when somebody loves you, they would do anything to be with you but this is a different scenario. What happens when you have an underlying health condition that seems so great and painful, that you don't want to drag anyone with you? It clearly affects your way of thinking and I believe this thing has made him think negatively. 

Sure, he went cold and distant but it was for a good reason: to save my heart. He is stronger and he reached out to me after 4 months thanking me for the packet of information I gave him. I promised him that I would stay with him no matter what happens, we both made that pinky promise during our relationship but he had to break that promise for me sake and I can now see it. I've said a lot of things to him and did a lot of things, and it finally marinated in his thoughts to the point where he can contact me again.

I rethought that it would be pretty messed up if I didn't respond, giving him the message that I didn't want to have to do anything with him. That is an unhealthful way of  thinking because this is not game. Just because someone does such and such in the past, does it make it right for you to base your future interaction with them?  No. Not at all. (I've been hearing some people say that Japan deserved the disaster because of Pearl Harbor saying that it's "karma." That's just really stupid. I'll stop there.) Why play games when you only have one life time? I believe that people can change, for the better or for the worse, and certainly TP (my ex) has changed for the better. 

I acknowledged him for thanking me and told him that it was best to go see a doctor before things get worse. He replied basically saying "it's cool and okay." When I saw that text message, I thought "what kind of response is that?!" I was really shocked because I thought he was being sarcastic - in that negative mentality that he won't see a doctor. I texted back basically encouraging him to go to the doctors, suggested and recommended and gave a clear indication based on examples from talking to a couple people about his condition, and he responded back that he is only saying "it's cool and okay" to "fight to win." He also said that he's seeing a specialist today, and I told him to keep me updated where he later thanked me for my words of encouragement and I think he agreed upon keeping me updated. He said "okay okays, thanks".

I'm so happy because I think he has changed his outlook on things entirely and I'm glad I sent that package of information. He didn't care about what would happen to him health wise, but now he is a fighter. He's fighting to win. He will win. I told him that too.

I'm very sure that he is happy to hear from me, but he just isn't showing it. Inside, I just know that there's something still there hidden beneath the pain that is preventing his true feels to show. I'm also being careful as I don't want to push him into anything. I am thrilled that he is taking necessary steps to improve his health by seeing a specialist! I haven't been this happy in a long time, literally smiling right now because this could be the new beginning for him, and I. All I know is that I'm gonna stick with him, even if I end up being only a friend for some time, I'm in prepared to experience both sides of the equation.

I promised him that he would make it through and I am keeping my distance, and he is too (he has a good reason to). I'm letting him do the contacting, whereas I just respond in a nonchalant way.  The last words I told him during our break up (in which I edited a song to with my voice in at the end) was "Time will past, but don't give up on yourself. Goodbye."

He's not giving up. I'm not either.


 Edit-
This kind of reminds of this one video I watched a lot time ago. It's from Grey's anatomy. It relates to me... joining the military and all.. but I know for sure the ending in this video won't happen. Short scene, but powerful one.. lots of mixed emotions..

Anthony

The ex breaks my "no contact."

I was browsing on the web this morning after my morning shower and stumbled across an article about the moon that triggered my interests. The moon this weekend will be appear to be bigger, and if you miss it you're gonna have to wait til 2029 to see the next one. (source: CNN)

So, did you go outside to look at the "super moon" today? I know I did. After dinner, which today was a bit late, around like 9 pm, I quickly remembered about the moon and went through my back door and across my neighorbor's lawn to see a bright, huge.. well, super moon. It was amazing. I made a wish. And it came true, well half and half.

You see, my ex and I had a thing for moons. We would stare into the sky into the mysterious moon, and we would just admire each other's presence all while still looking up above. We held each other tightly by the hand and it was a kodak moment (or brokeback moment :P). We did this in the car many times, and on the bench in front of walmart. Having my eyes closed, I thought about him when I saw the bright moon as I made a wish. The wish, I cannot say because it wouldn't be a wish if I let you know.

I thought about him when I was sitting down in the guest room staring out the window - listening to Sam Tsui's cover of "Just a dream" (Here, listen to it. IT'S AMAZING but sad. Kurt's amazing also!)

Pressing the "play button" on my iPod touch, I noticed that I was holding the last visible memory of him. Because, like, he bought a screen protector and a case for my iPod. I sat down to observe outside my window, and the sun was setting. Inside, it was pretty quiet because the kids were playing in the backyard. I was engulfed by memories which filled by vision as I closed my eyes. A tear was slowly falling down my face, okay maybe not "a" tear but let's just say I few. I missed everything about him, and I can admit that if he were to show up to my door right now I would be happy to see him.

Now, you can see that today was filled with more memories than usual. The song, moon, the wish, and then A TEXT MESSAGE FROM HIM. He texted me as I was getting ready to sleep at around 12 am, and he basically thanked me for providing him that packet of information involving his health problem, because it helped him but it was still "painful." He is hurting. I jumped in excitement and immediately texted my best friend that he contacted me. Well, it turns out that something similiar happened to my best friend with her boyfriend. It's really weird because her boyfriends always has some connection with me, and this time where was a CLEAR connection that my best friend's life and I are intertwined.

Basically, in summary, things haven't been going so great between them two because of some minor issues but today was their anniversary (well at 12am really) and they were at Walmart. My best friend got him an anniversary card with two people holding each other, and you could only see the "back side" of them. It turns out that she bought the card while her boyfriend was on the other side of walmart, and then quickly remembering that it was their anniversary, her boyfriend stopped by Kroger to pick out a card. And guess what, out of all the cards in the isle, he picked the SAME EXACT card but it was a little bigger than my best friend's. They were even conversating afterwards about their anniversary, and how they picked the "perfect" present with everything "they" wanted to say inside. Well, surprisingly enough, the cards did say similiar things, but only one sentence. They both had the same card, with one sentence written similarly, and it wasn't the three worded sente but something more. She called me right after that moment and we were both jumping with excitment because this meant that her boyfriend is starting to get his "feelings" back because remember that things weren't going to great (minor issues)? Yeah! And this all happened around the time I received a text from my ex. Is my ex getting his feelings back? That's not important right now.

" ♥ true loves never dies.. ♥
true loves never have an ending. ♥ "

THen, it sank in that this is indeed a valid reason on why he broke up with me. It's confirmed now based on this text message that there's more to the story because he just admitted to me that he's still hurting health wise. I'm glad I left him with that package of information, but the question is do I respond to his text message? The way he wrote the text message, it seems like he just wanted to thank me and there's no need to try and spark up a conversation based on that single text message. I think I'll leave it alone because if I do respond, it wouldn't lead to anything like a conversation anyways. I'll let him deal with his issue, but I'm glad things are starting to marinate because he probably read that HUGE package in which I added a lot of stuff saying that I will stick with him and other important information about his health. It would sounds so wrong to ignore the text message when he was once apart of my life and was of significant (and I can say that he is still). But responding wouldn't do any good or help the situation, I think I should go with my instincts and not respond.  What do you think?

*Edit- actually, it's best that I don't respond. The way that I ended it with him, my final email it seems to be good enough that if he wants something more then he will let me know. People will move mountains and oceans if they wanted to be with you, even if they think the door is closed. I know I moved my moutains for him already, but now it's his call. I can't risk my progress so far. 4 months no contact going strong.

Either way I think I'm a winner and that there may be a small small chance in the future. But then again I can't think about that because I'll let things happen naturally because that's how him and I fell head over heels, something out of a movie really. It'll happen if it was meant to happen. Let it happen naturally. That reminds me of that Selena Gomez song that my sister listens to, great. Has anyone heard of that Friday song? It's so dumb but it's catchy, the lyrics somehow has a way to stick in your head.

Anthony

The big news

The alarm rang and it was time to get up. It was nearly 10 pm, and I sleep in pretty much every weekend unless there's something I have to do. Those extra hours of sleep are made up during the weekend because during the week, I usually get less than 8 hours of sleep because I'm always up late doing homework or doing something. I hopped into the shower and took longer than usual because I had many things on my mind. First of all, as stated in the previous post there's some news that I told to my grandpa and little sister.......I'll save that for later.

Things have been getting progressively worse at home involving my mom's boyfriend behavior. There is much that I can say, but there's no physical abuse going on. Just verbal abuse towards my little sisters for obnoxious things and other issues. He is basically a bum now because he just got laid off of work about a month ago so he's been sitting around at home. He drinks A LOT, like every other day from what it seems and the problem is that he invites his friends over and they don't leave til night time. Not the exact environment you want children to be around, but I encourage and actually force my sisters and my grandpa's daughter to play elsewhere - away from all the drunken people. He doesn't clean after himself and complains about me to my mom. I can say many more things but that won't change the situation. My mom sides with him as always, but it's starting to become a real pain seeing him because I can feel him looking at me whenever I'm around like I'm a stranger in my own house.

School, first semester I did not do too hot. I was depressed and that got the most out of me because of the break up. It's really dumb that I let my emotions take over my school work, but at that time I hadn't experienced such heartbreak and emotional pain, it was the first. The first always hurts and that made my grades plummet. To what extent you ask, well it would severely limit my ability to get accepted to nursing school. I even asked my academic counselor if it was possible to wipe out those grades and turn them into "Withdrawal" grades but that didn't go through. Second semester, I am doing well and I am sure I will mostly get all "A's" and "B's.", but even with those grades it would not be enough to keep me in the college next Fall. The college that I am attending has strict GPA requirements for students. I wish there was a way I could go back and undo the things I did, like let myself feel depressed for so long but what's said is done. I can't get accepted to Nursing school (it's a given fact), and I'm getting booted out of college next Fall due to my grades first semester.. tough luck I say, but I have resorted to Plan B. And that is the military.

My family does not know of my grades and I'm not planning on to tell them because it would be a disgrace. I've told my grandpa that I'll be enlisting soon and he neither pestered or promoted my decisions because he told me that he would best see me staying in college (but he doesn't know about my grades). He served in the Vietnam Air Force back in the days as a high ranking official and based on his experience, he has a bias towards joining the military because of his very own experiences. He's told me that he's seen many horrible things, and it's true that when you are in the military you are risk for getting injured or perhaps even killed. He said it will be tough for me, and for me to think it through and I have. I've done research and read many forums and first hand encounters about the military and they all point to the same thing: The military isn't for everyone.

I do know that I am joining at this time will be a risky decision because my life is on the line. I know that the pay isn't that great, and certainly people who join the military aren't there for the pay because you get around less than the teacher's salary. When you calculate the costs of living the civilian life, having to pay the basic ulitity bills like gas, water, electric, and not to mention - mortgage the military seems to make up for that. They do provide basic living quarters, but the benefits or pay is not my reason for joining. I actually want to serve my country and I've heard stories of ordinary young future soldier's like me "growing up" after BMT (basic military training - or boot camp). It's obvious that there are disadvantages, but I know that I'll be serving the country I love and if I have to give up my life, then I will be glad it was for the country and people I love.

"Service before self." is a universal motto for all the branches of the military and I do agree that there are some people in the military for the wrong reasons. I understand that I will be committing a large deal of my life to the military, but my plan is to score high on the ASVAB, which is a test determined to see which jobs you are qualified for and hopefully do something along the lines of health care (aiming for radiography). How this will help my future you ask? Well, I'll hopefully get into something that is matched up with the civilian sector of things so that after serving active duty, I can use my GI bill to attend college. The thing is that you usually have to serve your active duty time, which is about 6 years I heard before you can touch your GI bill. If the military is going great for me, then I might consider staying all 20 years and then retiring in my 30's. I'll be able to use my GI bill while sitting on a nice retirement pension, and on top of that 4 years of schooling and then having a degree, hopefully in radiography/sonography will bring me far. This is a more of a long term goal from what I see. When people are in the military, they usually don't spend as much because the basic needs are provided by the military. I'm not sure how long the enlistment contracts are, but I will be speaking to a recruiter next week. For which branch I will be joining, I'm not sure about that but I have my eyes set on the Air Force. The AF has high requirements, and I'm a bit on a slim side, and kinda underweight so I'm not sure if they could even consider me since they are "overmanned." I could get a waiver for my underweightness (is that even a word?) in the AF, but they would rather do less work and would probably consider a qualified applicant over me. But if that doesn't work out, then the Army will be the way to go. I also thought about the Navy, but I'm not too sure about it. I guess I'll be exploring different branches, but Marines and Coast guard is a no.

I'll update my progress as I go along with the enlistment process. 

Anthony

A change of plans

It's been foreever since I blogged, and I apologize for not keeping up. For the past month or so, I have limited my access to social networking things like Facebook or AIM. The reason why I thought it would be best for me to isolate myself, is to.. well, really just evaluate everything all over again. What caused this sudden drift - well, I saw my ex pop up on the facebook mutual friend's list (or really that "people you may know") and like a wuss, I broke down tremendously. I knew I was feeling this pain and I knew it wasn't any good that I'm still feeling like a fan girl crying over Justin Bieber. I then thought to myself that I could no longer let myself cry because my relationship with him is dead. Like you know when a relationship ends, it's like that person died and everything you thought they were didn't turn out to be who they really were, because let's face it.. If somebody loves you, they wouldn't break up with you (especially in the way pathetic way he did). You don't break up with someone on the day I give you your anniversary present and you certainly don't break up with someone over a text message. He did say he did this because he loved me, so I guess that's the truth. I'll stop there. At one point during the days, I thought to myself "why am I crying over spilled milk? I may be crying every morning but is he doing the same?" I think not. Crying didn't change anything and I thought it was time for a change.

I nailed his coffin, metaphorically speaking and did things that I loved. Spending more time outdoors, playing video games, and working out were some of the things I did. Heck, I even  took myself on a date, ALONE. I wouldn't go to a restaurant alone usually because it seems weird to be going there by yourself. I mean, when was the last time you went to a restaurant on a Friday night by yourself? Yes, I actually did go on a Friday night and saw a bunch of people.  I actually went to Olive Garden and ordered some bomb Chicken Alfredo. They all were happy and I distinctively remember seeing a couple wearing two similar hoodies. The guy was wearing a black hoodie with the universal male gender symbol, while the girl was wearing the same color but with the universal female gender symbol. I can't find the hoodie anywhere online but I want it. I'll buy two but with the male symbols, keep the other one in my closet for the future. Anyways, I assumed they were going out because I did see that they kissed and were holding hands under the table. (It sounds really stalkerish but it's pretty hard to miss a cute looking couple sitting in the table next to you.) I didn't start getting tears in my eye like I usually would, instead I reassured myself that I'll be okay. I'll get some of that in the future. I WAS OKAY BEING ALONE! I.. moved on? I think I already let go, and accepted everything without becoming a sobbing mess. I spent the rest of the dinner looking around myself, I was surrounded by happiness whether it was between those two couples or just an elderly person sitting on the corner smiling. I was happy. I felt myself glow. I now don't mind being alone because we all have to be independent at some point of our lives. I can say that I'm back to myself fully now. It took me a few months, multiply the duration of my relationship with him by 3-4 but I'm here. I'm on the other side. I'm happy again and I'm embracing every moment of my life now.

Now I'm reaally tired after today. I went to a bunch of places with my grandpa, and oh yeah, my grandpa lives with us now. He has a daughter who is in 2nd grade, and she's my aunt. Yes. It's a long story, which I will save that for another post. I got my haircut today and it kinda looks messed up because it's reaally short. 

Now as for my title to my blog, I'll explain that later.

If some of you guys can guess it, then good for you. If not, you'll have to wait til the next blog post. I spilled the news to my sister.. and then my grandpa who I just told an hour ago....

Stay tuned.

Anthony