I'm back..

It's been a while since I've wrote here. It's the last day of 2010 and 2011 is just around the corner. I'm ready for a new start because honestly, when college began things began to skyrocket for me. But everything went down hill around the last two months of school.

I got myself into a relationship with someone who we will call TP. We clicked on so many levels. We began talking over the summer and I guess you can say we sort of rushed into the relationship. We kept an eye on each other since my junior year but we began talking in July. We went out of our way to go see each other as friends and one thing led to the next. Things started getting intense between us and we both fell hard for each other. Head over heals. I was having all the right 'signals' that he liked me. We have had many deep conversations and always texted each other at every second of the day. There's much more I can say, but I'll keep that to myself. I told one of my closest friends who I met in elementary school, her name is Linda, of our relationship and she says that it's like a Korean drama.

We both shared the same language, culture, and all that kinda stuff. His past wasn't so great. His past relationships: 2 girls and then 2 guys. First two girls, I'm not sure if I remember correctly but they left him for somebody else or it was just some kind of "puppy love" affair. The first guy, not so sure what happened. But the second guy, was a horrible person. Lets just say that he did some great harm to him that probably scarred TP's self image. I don't want to disclose any information because I want to respect his privacy even if I'm not with him today.

I dislike his past partners for constantly ruining him. The 2nd boyfriend he had did great harm to him. We both grew up without the father figure. His father was there, but not emotionally. He would take the blame for everything and there was verbal and physical abuse. He has two younger sisters and his dad always values them more. Being the oldest, he takes the blame for everything because of his dad. That father-son relationship is not so great, and still is ongoing today. His past sets the stage for who he is today. He is a pretty damn good actor because he hides all his negative emotions inside. He looks and acts happy from the outside, but sometimes he isn't. He is troubled inside. And he told me I was the first one to see through his mask.. he fell in love with me for who I am. But there was an obstacle that prevents us from being together. That obstacle - I can't state out here because I want to respect him. Nobody knows about it at all. Only FEW people. I'm assuming only his family and best friend, and I know.

It is absolutely devastating to the both of us. He made that sacrifice and let me go so I can find better. The break up happened over night basically. It was over the phone, but I do not blame because it's very painful for both of us to see each other now.

It's not something that has a cure. That's all I can say. But I know he will be around for a long time. He wants me to live my life fully without him. I can do that, but I can't forget about what I left behind.

My actions after the break up were immature because I was a mess. Constant texting/calling when he told me to just drop everything basically. Who wouldn't be in that state? I highly regret letting my emotions take over. But that is all done now. I did everything I could to let him know that I will stick with him through whatever that obstacle throws at him, but there hasn't been any change. I don't expect any change. But I put it out there for him in my emails so he knows that he is loved. He doesn't see value in himself at all. Now I just have to let time heal my heart.

I certainly know that he did really love me. The reasons are valid. What he said to me pierces through my heart..

"If you love somebody, you can love them enough to let them go."

I can't accept the fact that there wouldn't be anybody out there willing to help him through this. Nobody knows about this obstacle. And his parents don't take proper care of him when his world is falling apart slowly inside. That's what kept me going, because otherwise if the breakup was because of some reason like losing feelings - I would of let go a lot sooner. But this obstacle is going to cause him to suffer for life. And he doesn't want that to put me through harder times. So he let me go.. I sound like al ittle kid right now writing this. Perhaps the purest form of love is letting go. And that's what he did.

It was a short term relationship lasting about 1 month and 3 weeks. But it doesn't matter how long it was or how long we have known each other. It felt like bliss because every moment we had together was all happiness and smiles. That's something that he never felt in his other relationships. He felt like this one was "real" and he even considered those other relationships false, and that I am his "first." It hurts a lot to know that he never got the chance to keep his love. We are currently not talking right now and communication with him has been hostile. I think I get the message now so I am finally letting him go. Who knows, he might be mature in the future enough to know that this isn't that drastic that he needs to live his life single. But I don't know the circumstances around this obstacle of his to say anything. The most I can look forward to is a friendship with him, but that won't happen until he is ready and that will come on his own time. It is a fact that he would not date anybody else because that would make the reasons for this break up a lie. I know that he is not the type of person to break up with somebody who is "perfect". We didn't even make it through the honeymoon stage. We were IN the honeymoon stage. He probably found out that the obstacle was a lot worse than he expected. I am no longer in shock and I understand his decision now. I have to accept it regardless and move on with my life.

I had this whole month off to reflect. I'm on winter break right now and it began the first week of December. The break up happened in November and it was a horrible time for me. I could not function properly in class and my mind would wander off, or I would burst into silent tears every now and then. Finals and tests came, and my grades dropped as a result of this because of my concerns with him. I'll be working my way up starting next week because classes start again on Wednesday.

I should of known better. But this will serve as a learning lesson for me; to not let anything get involved with my school work. First relationship, first break up, first mistakes. I have to forgive myself and look on.

I gotta head off now. Might write another post later on today.


Anthony

First day of college tomorrow.

I managed to do some last minute back to school shopping. I bought a bunch of containers to put my lunch in and also snacks. I labeled my school map so I know where to go, and everything! I also bought a coffee brewer today. I hear college students rely on that stuff. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. My first class is Sociology, and I have 10 hours to kill before my next class.


and so begins a new chapter of my life..

:)

Anthony

Orientation and my Fall 2010 Schedule

It's been a while since I've wrote here, or so it seems. I went to the health department and had my immunization form filled out by the nurse there. It was a longgg wait because there were rooms filled of people. I think I waited four hours to one single form filled.

I drove up to my college on Tuesday for orientation. It's about a 35 minute drive from where I live. I'm still a beginner on the highway, really. Every now and then I would look in my rear view mirror and see a car tailgating me. That's one of the most annoying things ever. I drive the speed limit on the highway, which is around 65-70. Anyways, that was the last orientation date for Fall 2010, so I made it just in time. Our orientation was held at the gym and I came about 20 minutes before the actual session had begun. I saw lots of students and the parking lot around the gym was PACKED with cars and college students walking!

We received name tags, and picked up folders filled with information about financial aid, BannerWeb, our transguid, and other misc. information. I saw a bunch of seats and just sat anywhere that was closest to the door. The person sitting next to me was a girl, and I didn't get her name. The pronunciation was difficult. I, of course, conversated with her. She was a nursing student graduate from South Carolina who moved down to the Gainesville area where she was offered a nursing job nearby. Not sure which degree she had, but she looked like she was in her 20's. She basically indirectly stated that nursing didn't feel like a "high goal" for her and thinks that she could have more potential in the medical field. Majoring in pre-med, she has got me thinking about where I might end up being. I do not want to be indecisive and change my major mid way.

The program started and it was a bunch of college information and clubs. We were then split up into groups by numbers on our tranguid and I was in the same group as my "new friend" I met. We were given a campus tour, and were headed to the science and engineering building. There, we were instructed to go to a certain room based on our majors. Pre-Nursing was up first and I walked up the long stairs along with other people. When we were all seated, I noticed there were about three males including myself in the room. I guess I'm going to have to get used to this soon with all the estrogen floating in the air. We were instructed to register for classes via BannerWeb and I sat next to an mid 20's looking dude who was in formal attire. Tie, dress shirt, dress shoes, and everything. He told me his situation and it seems like he had majored into something that he didn't end up liking. I sat there for an hour or two tabbing between BannerWeb and www.ratemyprofessor.com. I wasn't fully focused but I just registered for whatever was available.

Afterwords, I headed out to the student center for ice cream and sat with other freshmen. I then proceeded to make a barcode to get my student ID with my new friend (I got a name this time, Justin). The funny thing is that with my ID, Justin and I had our name tags on still and it shows on our picture. That's what I call real freshmen. My ID turned out alright, and doesn't look like a mug shot, phew. We then made our way to the room next to the one we were in and filled out applications for a parking pass. We got our parking passes, and walked around campus - touring the buildings we didn't see. We departed our ways after everything and I came home anxious to change my schedule at home - where there are no advisors staring across your shoulders onto the computer monitor.

My schedule is as follows:

Mondays/Wednesday- Sociology 1101 8am-8:50am and Engl 1101 7pm-8:15pm
Tuesdays/Thursday- Psychology 1101 2pm-3:15pm and College Algebra 1111 7pm-8:15pm
Friday- Sociology 1101 8am-8:50am

I guess my schedule is alright. My professors are also cool apparently. I'm a bit worried about my college algebra professor though. Mixed reviews on him. I will be driving up there every day and I'm gonna have to drive on the highway home! That;s gonna be a challenge. I guess in between classes I will be hanging around the library because there is no reason to drive home if I have another class in the evening. Being in a library, I guess that will force me to study.

School starts in 48 hours.

**on the side note- also loving the recent news about the overturn of prop 8.

School and distant grandma

Today was the first day of school for my county. I woke up somewhat earlier than usual because the door bell had rung several times. I did not know who was going to come. I had opened the door, and there was my sister's distant grandma who I have not talked to all summer or even seen for that matter. I did not know what to say to her; I called my mom downstairs so they could have a talk.

She, the grandma is not a very good person at all. She stole money, clothes, jewelry, and anything that she could get her hands on when my mom was living with her. This grandma is J's dad's mother. J and her are related somewhat, but as for me I am distant. In my culture, we have doubles. Double grandma's and grandpa's. I have tried explaining it to several people, but they still do not understand. It is likely that you will not understand either. I will give it a shot though.

When a couple marries, the spouse or husband's parent's become apart of the family. For example, say if I marry someone named 'Melody'. Her parents will become my parents too. If I were to have children with 'Melody' - our kids will have another pair of grandparents. Does that make sense? Probably not. It's all apart of the culture, really.

My sister J resides with her distant grandma. Her grandma brainwashes my sister into thinking that my mom and I are bad people. My sister J, has not called me or seen me since school had ended in May. The same goes with her grandma too. We have no other choice but to leave her with her grandma until the day she decides to come back. My sister J, always has a place at home but there is nobody to watch over her since I will be going to college and everyone else will be working. Did I also mention that she expects my mom to pay for the time being? She even asks her own son (who is J's dad) for money. My mom refuses to pay money. Our reasoning behind this is that nobody forced her to take care of Jennifer. We offer Jennifer a place to stay, but her grandma convinces J to stay with her so she can get more and more money. J's grandma even steals money, repeatedly from her own Catholic church. You shouldn't even show your face at the church's doorsteps if you plan on taking the donations.

My sister is quite stupid for falling for the trap and not realizing where her real home is. She's in 4th grade, but you would say that a little kid at least knows who their own mother is - Jennifer does not because she would be home by now with us!

Her grandma an evil person indeed. She tries to ruin my mom's reputation around town by telling other people that we have abandoned Jennifer. If I could, I would send that lady straight to jail for her acts of nature. It's been about two years since J has stayed home with us. Saaad.

My mom does not communicate with this grandma too. We both dislike her, and hope someday karma will come back and bite her.

Word of advice: Be ready to take on the challenge of raising your own children. No fuss or complaints from Mom. I am pretty sure I could be a great dad if I were to have authority over my own sisters.

Convo about college with extended family

A couple days ago when my grandma was here to visit, I was sitting outside with grandma anxiously watching the transition of the hot-humid summer day into the night. Atlanta aka hot-lanta is known for it's hot summers. It certainly feels like an oven here during the afternoon. As the sky turned pink, I noticed a cool breeze against my skin. The clouds changed colors from dark blue, to a pink, and finally, a gray black.

I was handed the phone to talk to my uncle's and aunts. Oh boy was it a conversation. I didn't expect to be talking to most of my uncles during that time. Turns out, they were worried about me joining the Air force because I had had ideas of joining. I gave up on the idea. They explained; I'll be better off getting a Bachelors Degree in Nursing first.


One of my uncles was reluctant on the idea of becoming a Nurse. Like many other people out there, the question that comes up first is "Why nursing?" This has happened many times. I usually respond with "Why not?"



It is clear that they obviously want me to be happy with my life, but please don't go suggesting different careers like a doctor, pharmacist, or even a surgeon. I am entitled to my own decisions because I run my own life. It's like every time I talk to them, they always seem to be butting in with my decisions. I don't mind though, because I am entitled to my own decisions. I run my own life.

Is it a negative thing to become a nurse, being a male? I think not. Males are allowed to be in the nursing profession too. Many people, when thinking of a Nurse will have an image of a female in white clothing with that hat. I think it's a time for change. It will be a different environment for me in class though. I heard from one of my uncle's girlfriend that her nursing classes had no males.


I want to be a Nurse.

On the side note, I'm quite nervous about orientation on Tuesday. Classes start on August the 16th, but I will be getting my schedule during orientation. I guess it's time to be a freshman all over again!

I still have flashbacks of my first day going into junior high. It was a scary experience because the campus was so huge, and everyone was so different. I have gotten lost many times in my junior high campus, and I'm sure I will have trouble finding my classes on campus in college.

Airport, grandma, placement testing.

I drove on the highway today to the airport, Hartsfield Jackson Airport to be specific. It was about a 40 minute drive from where I live. It was nerve racking due to the massive amount of cars on the road. While I was driving, there was not much conversations going around. Maybe one or two. I dropped off my grandma with my mom's boyfriend at the drop off area and let her go her way. I wanted to come in, but we were short on time and had to go right away. If I went alone, I would have gone in with her to print her plane ticket at the self check in booth.

I'm sad that she has left. I've learned so much about myself that she has told me these past days. I would always hold on to the things she bought me, like food and small gifts. She went to Kroger with me the day before and we bought some croissants, M&M's, waffles, and fruits. The first three are in my room right now and it serves as a reminder of her presence just two hours ago.

I was only able to give her a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek :\. The cars behind us were honking because all the parking spots on the curb was full. It's sad to know what she has to go through back at home. She has plans to vacation like all the other elderly people out there, but she can't yet due to financial problems.

I'll be taking her out of country someday. It will be the best.

On the other hand I also drove up to my college to take my placement testing. I was about 1 minute late and I came in just as the proctor was telling instructions. I passed all sections and I do not need remedial classes. I think that's a relief for me to know that. I will be going to orientation next Tuesday.

College is a different environment. It just doesn't have that atmosphere that high school has.

California Prop 8 over turned!

WOW.

I was at the mall the other day and I was in a store. I think it was Burlington coat factory. I was just browsing with my grandma (she's leaving this Friday) and I saw a gay couple! It was amazingly cute because they were the first I've seen.

Next thing you know it.. on my phone, I receive a twitter update saying that Prop 8 has been overturned. Ironic isn't it?


:)

IN YOUR FACE MORMONS.

Haven't been blogging lately, but will catch up soon.

A relative of mine is coming to visit for a week, so it will be a while.


I got my license the other day, and I'll be getting the actual hard copy in the mail within 30 days. I have a temporary one right now. Road test was eaaaasy! I did surprisingly well on parallel parking but struggled with reverse parking. Who does reverse parking these days?

Today, I watched Inception too. It's a great movie. Confusing at some parts, but worth it!

First post

Hey everyone.

You guys can call me Anthony, but that isn't my name in real life. I'm starting my freshman year of college this August, which is only a couple more days away frankly. I plan on becoming a registered nurse specialized in some kinda field. I kept myself a journal that I would write in every so often, but I decided that it was too time consuming to actually hand write everything. I felt like I needed a fresh start because I'm realizing that I am an adult now.

About my family, well really it's been a rough and bumpy road for me. There is a lot of drama that happens every now and then but I'm not too focused on it anymore. I have two younger sisters which we'll call Jennifer and Kristine. They're half sisters really, because they come from different dads. Yeah, I'm the only guy so I guess it's up to me to make sure they grow up right. Jennifer is turning nine this August and Kristine is only three years old. They both don't have with me and have "caretakers". As for myself, I live with my mom and her boyfriend. I don't really get along with her boyfriend because he's a straight up asshole. My mom on the other hand is distant from me because I've only lived with her for four years. I moved to Georgia my freshmen year of high school. From the time I was an infant to the day I moved out in 9th grade, I was raised by my extended family. I don't have a father, and my mom was never married to my "dad". The only marriage was that of J's dad.

Hmm, what else. I'm also gay. My family does not know that I am and I'm not sure when I will be coming out to them. Probably when that day comes, is the day I have a net to land on. The "net" will probably be built by me, independently. I'm afraid that I might get disowned or something, but my mom isn't hardcore religious. Some of her comments towards gay people are homophobic so yeah. I'm out to my friends though. I don't put my sexuality out there unless people ask me straight up. I like to think that being gay is only a tiny part of the picture.

There was an event that happened when I was younger. When I was in 2nd grade I remember experimenting with a close girl-friend of mine, it wasn't anything like masturbating rather it was more like "showing private parts to one another" if that makes any sense. Ohh, there we go -- her name was Tiffany. Anyways, I clearly remember that I didn't get aroused or anything off of her, and I certainly felt disgusted when my Tiffany took off her pants.

And then came 4th grade.. I knew by then that I was different from all the other guys being that - I had a crush on one of my classmates! I was also different in that I hung around all the girls. Maybe that was one factor that contributed to who I am today? It's still true today, I "get along" better with girls for some reason. I couldn't find the word for it though, so I didn't pay much attention to it.

Now junior high came by and nothing had really happened then. I didn't have any crushes on anybody, but I would take note of other guys in my class. I discovered the wonders of the internet in 8th grade when one of my guy friends came over to my house and showed me, well, yeah. THAT. We just looked at the straight video really, but no arousal there! Throughout junior high, myspace was popular back then and I would realize that I would go on male models pictures just to browse through them and thinking to myself "he's handsome!".

I had added a guy named Rudy on myspace and he too was a model. He happened to be gay too, haha. I think by then I noticed that I was REALLY different from the guys. One of my uncles caught me talking to him via comments and punched me in my face for talking to him. Ow. There wasn't any nude pictures of Rudy on myspace or anything.. It just clearly stated on Rudy's profile that he was gay and I think my uncle saw that and reacted pretty bad towards it.

And then.. I ended up moving to Georgia to live with my mom, her boyfriend, and J. J at that time was still living here and didn't have a caretaker. Basically, that move to Georgia enabled me to find out who I really am and allow myself to be "free". I think I wouldn't admit that I was gay today if I stayed in my uncle's homophobic environment.

Alright, I think that's a lot of information to absorb. Feel free to email me at everlastingcharms@gmail.com.

*edit 1/21/10- more general and "better" about me post here
Anthony