First post

Hey everyone.

You guys can call me Anthony, but that isn't my name in real life. I'm starting my freshman year of college this August, which is only a couple more days away frankly. I plan on becoming a registered nurse specialized in some kinda field. I kept myself a journal that I would write in every so often, but I decided that it was too time consuming to actually hand write everything. I felt like I needed a fresh start because I'm realizing that I am an adult now.

About my family, well really it's been a rough and bumpy road for me. There is a lot of drama that happens every now and then but I'm not too focused on it anymore. I have two younger sisters which we'll call Jennifer and Kristine. They're half sisters really, because they come from different dads. Yeah, I'm the only guy so I guess it's up to me to make sure they grow up right. Jennifer is turning nine this August and Kristine is only three years old. They both don't have with me and have "caretakers". As for myself, I live with my mom and her boyfriend. I don't really get along with her boyfriend because he's a straight up asshole. My mom on the other hand is distant from me because I've only lived with her for four years. I moved to Georgia my freshmen year of high school. From the time I was an infant to the day I moved out in 9th grade, I was raised by my extended family. I don't have a father, and my mom was never married to my "dad". The only marriage was that of J's dad.

Hmm, what else. I'm also gay. My family does not know that I am and I'm not sure when I will be coming out to them. Probably when that day comes, is the day I have a net to land on. The "net" will probably be built by me, independently. I'm afraid that I might get disowned or something, but my mom isn't hardcore religious. Some of her comments towards gay people are homophobic so yeah. I'm out to my friends though. I don't put my sexuality out there unless people ask me straight up. I like to think that being gay is only a tiny part of the picture.

There was an event that happened when I was younger. When I was in 2nd grade I remember experimenting with a close girl-friend of mine, it wasn't anything like masturbating rather it was more like "showing private parts to one another" if that makes any sense. Ohh, there we go -- her name was Tiffany. Anyways, I clearly remember that I didn't get aroused or anything off of her, and I certainly felt disgusted when my Tiffany took off her pants.

And then came 4th grade.. I knew by then that I was different from all the other guys being that - I had a crush on one of my classmates! I was also different in that I hung around all the girls. Maybe that was one factor that contributed to who I am today? It's still true today, I "get along" better with girls for some reason. I couldn't find the word for it though, so I didn't pay much attention to it.

Now junior high came by and nothing had really happened then. I didn't have any crushes on anybody, but I would take note of other guys in my class. I discovered the wonders of the internet in 8th grade when one of my guy friends came over to my house and showed me, well, yeah. THAT. We just looked at the straight video really, but no arousal there! Throughout junior high, myspace was popular back then and I would realize that I would go on male models pictures just to browse through them and thinking to myself "he's handsome!".

I had added a guy named Rudy on myspace and he too was a model. He happened to be gay too, haha. I think by then I noticed that I was REALLY different from the guys. One of my uncles caught me talking to him via comments and punched me in my face for talking to him. Ow. There wasn't any nude pictures of Rudy on myspace or anything.. It just clearly stated on Rudy's profile that he was gay and I think my uncle saw that and reacted pretty bad towards it.

And then.. I ended up moving to Georgia to live with my mom, her boyfriend, and J. J at that time was still living here and didn't have a caretaker. Basically, that move to Georgia enabled me to find out who I really am and allow myself to be "free". I think I wouldn't admit that I was gay today if I stayed in my uncle's homophobic environment.

Alright, I think that's a lot of information to absorb. Feel free to email me at everlastingcharms@gmail.com.

*edit 1/21/10- more general and "better" about me post here
Anthony