Insight to what the ex is facing.

The last post about my ex was about 3 weeks ago. Lots has changed, well not really but I have some bad news about him.

Around April 1st, I texted him to let him know that I was thinking about him and that he's been on my mind. He responded and we joked around a lot, everything was going great until I gave in and let my emotions take over that same night. I poured out my feelings to him, it was a dumb decision to pour everything out because I ended up getting turned down again. Lesson learned though.. He told me not to hold onto the past and that I will find someone better and more healthy. (This implies that he is still feeling low about himself so he is in a way stronger, but he isn't strong enough to be in a relationship. And now I'm okay with that being that he has a lot on his plate). I was being selfish and basically gave him the worst ultimatum. I basically told him that I don't want to do anything with him unless he wanted to work on building a relationship with me - it was very stupid of me to say that. I wished him good luck in everything and basically treated it like it was a goodbye. He didn't reply to any of that and I didn't expect him to. 

Now that I think of it, was I caring for his needs or my needs? I was being selfish.

My best friend and I saw it as the last contact I would make with him, or so we thought at that time. I was sure that was "it" for me and him, I even deleted all the text messages that he sent from our early days of  talking because I kept them all until that day. It felt like rejection all over again, and I couldn't understand why he was still feeling so low about himself because truly I feel that him and I are "meant to be," maybe it's the wrong timing. The anger lasted a couple days because my emotions changed. I would be swimming in a pool of regret later lasting for almost two weeks..

It felt like.. a can of worms was opened all over again.

Two weeks later (today) I wake up with a nightmare of him again haunting me in my dreams. It's like there's something telling me that I did something wrong so I analyze everything I said to him again. I was sinking in grief for the past two weeks because I felt helpless that I couldn't help him and I kept on thinking what kind of person I was to him giving him that ultimatum. And this nightmare was the last straw for me. I had to do something. I don't have anyone to talk to about relationship stuff, well I have my best friend and some close friends but I'm afraid to burden them because I'm not myself anymore. I lsot my glow and honestly, if you compare how I look today to my college ID card picture in Fall 2010 and photos taken around the time him I started going out, I look much more healthier and happier at that time than the present moment. Besides losing my glow and feeling down, when compared to what he is facing - he has SO much more on his plate than I can imagine..

I talked to one of close friends about this situation and I confirmed to myself that I came off as selfish and greedy. I let my emotions take over so I had to do something about it.

I thought I let go of him, but the truth is I still love him very much. I sent him a text message apologizing about the thing about never contacting me again unless he wants to work on things. I also said in that text message that I was still the same caring "Anthony" he met from day one. He replied very rudely and said "You asked me to stop contacting you so I did." I think I deserved a break because it was my first time in a break up, but he was probably very hurt by what I said. I know I hurt him a lot when I gave him that ultimatum so I see why he was being the way he was. He told me that I should watch what I say and think next time before I send it and that was it. He didn't directly say his feelings, but the way he came off - I know he was hurt by what I said and I don't know what went in his mind for the past two weeks.  I apologized for hurting him and he told me that I was suppose to move on a long time ago, and that he has moved on already.

The moment I saw the words "I already moved on" my reaction was this:

 

I was shocked. I froze. My heart stopped. But that was my impulse reaction. I didn't respond right away because my impulse emotions are always wrong, at least in relationship stuff. See you kind of make a lot of mistakes in your first relationship, whether it's a break up - everyone is bound to make mistakes the first time around. It didn't make sense that he would move on so quickly. Luckily, I was chatting with one of my close friends who guided me on what to do. She said that she thinks he is probably in denial because how could you move on so fast?

I had to act cool, and I told him that I'm in a better place now. I would of probably flipped if I didn't have that close friend there talking to me. I have to be strong about this whole situation because this is the make it or break it moment. He might of just said that he moved on so I wouldn't hold onto him anymore. Or maybe it was a test to see if I'm relationship material - I remember in the early days of the break up I told him that I would stick with him even if he had this illness. If I can't support him when he is at his worst, then I have no right to be with him when he is at his best. His illness probably made him feel this way and this later proved to be true.

I asked him how his health was going. He told me he was going to the hospital soon to get a biopsy done on his liver because he has a high virus count of 10 x 10^8 in his bloodstream. That's a chronic condition, he pointed out. He also said that it requires treatment "now" but he said the doctors won't let him take medicine because they're scared the virus might mutate. I asked him how he manages the pain everyday, but he dodged the question and said that he's been busy with AP stuff at school so the pain isn't that much anymore. I told him to keep me updated, he agreed.

So there goes that.. sometimes you wish you could help out the people who are in pain.. also lately, one of my friends isn't doing so well and I wish I could just make them feel better. Sometimes I don't have the words to comfort them in this time of need, so I try to show by my actions because actions show more than words.

In these situations involving my friend and my ex, I want to help sooo bad. I guess it's best to let nature take its course, the only thing I can do is try to be there for support. Friendships are a big thing to me, so I definitely am here for support  because I've been there before, maybe the situation might be different but we all felt those emotions at one point of our lives..

I have to be understanding about what my ex is facing right now because emotions are a big thing. You appear to be happy to others but that' might just be an act that they put up. They could be feeling like the lowest person in the world, and I've done this so called "acting" too. It's not a great spot to be in. Everybody does it. My ex admits to me that he acts sometimes, and I was the only one in his life to spot him out from the rest. He's acting right now. There is no simple solution to everything because things are complex. You just have to go with the flow, and hold onto the ride.

I might be breaking all norms of a relationship by talking to him and supporting him, but I think this is the best thing to do. I know what I need to do now. I'll prepare for the worst so I don't get more hurt. I'll be there for him because I love him. I'm keeping my distance. I don't want to abandon him forever, because it's absolutely irrational to leave him alone. He might reject his feelings now, but when the skies become stormy for him - he'll appreciate my support. At least he will know that I care about him, because that might push him more to fight this. When the skies clear up for him, there's a possibly he might even look upon me as a real man.

After all, there's no doubt in my mind that I am a man.


Anthony

AF recruiter interview

Two weeks ago I walked into the AF recruiter office hoping to talk to a recruiter. That didn't work out to well because you had to make an appointment which I didn't know about. My friend, Tanya, was with me. I met her in junior year of high school and we managed to talk again after many months of not talking. We weren't really close like that, only friends in class but somehow I guess we started talking again just last month through facebook. She's planning on to go to the Army reserves so we thought it would be a good idea for us two to be work out buddies. 

We ended up hanging out that day and started our very first workout. And that was at the park. I haven't ran in ages so I was lagging a bit, but yeah. We went to the dollar theater to watch "The Roommate" and also we saw parts of "Tangled." Cam Gigandet played a role in "The Roommate" and there were a couple of explicit scenes, but that's normal with every movie. Cam Gigandet is my new man. Just kidding, he's actually married with kids, but I can always dream right? Waait.. my ex wouldn't be happy about this so nevermind! (I have news about him coming up in the next post)

What a stud.

Anyways, back to the appointment. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, two days after I made the appointment. I sat there in the lobby with the other two soldiers dressed in their blues and combat uniform, and there was a recruitment video showing various different scenes of boot camp. I sat there for like an hour and the lobby was really small so it was weird because the two guys were just standing there. I was waiting for my name to be called up by the recruiters in the back, and after an hour of waiting they finally called my name and did a short interview.

The room had no door and it was a open space. I think the walls were built sound proof or something because I remember he was talking to a potential candidate like me but I did not hear anything. The interview consisted of questions asking if I ever been married, have kids, taken drugs, have asthma, etc. and why I want to join the AF. My recruiter's name was Sergeant C. and he was pretty tall and built. He had 6 strips so I assume that he's been in the AF for a while. I then had to take the practice test and I scored above the minimum so I can enlist! But the only thing that was preventing me from enlisting was my weight. They told me they weren't allowed to give waivers because the AF was so full and that there were other potential candiates that didn't require a waiver, so they told me to come back when I gained 10 pounds. That kind of sucked because I felt like I was turned down, but I'll be coming back in a month with some progress.

My friend Tanya suggested I get those weights that you were able to put in your pockets but that would be lying. I weigh about 109 pounds with all my clothes on so I don't think they will strip me down to my boxers in the recruiting office. The minimum weight for my height is 117 pounds so I have a bunch to gain. 

I don't do much cardio anymore because that would burn all the calories away so I'm pretty much lifting heavy. Muscle weights more than fat so I think I should gain the pounds within a month. I'm excited and stoked!

Anthony

Reasons for joining the AF

News have spread within my family like a wildfire of me joining the military. More specifically, my ENTIRE extended family got involved. I don't really talk to that much - only talk to my grandma every now and then. Not because of any drama, but because the distance and everyone has their own lives. The last time I talked to aunt #1 (the oldest aunt of mine - she's JUST hit her 50's but she looks so young probably because she goes to the gym and takes care of herself well) was last summer. They were all shocked, asking me what happened, I didn't go into details really because they know what kind of person my mom is.

It's weird that I only told my grandpa about my decision to join the military, he's living with me, and he told one of my uncles living in the mid west. I guess that's where things started because he talked to my grandpa about it. This uncle, living in the mid west offered me options saying that I was free to move with him to live to continue my studies while working for him at his businesses that he opened (excellent pay). It sounded like a great option..  Another option was given to live in California suggested by aunt #1 and grandma but it would be hard to have a part time job there because the nail salon businesses there isn't great due to too many of them clustered in big areas. I'll be independent paying for my car expenses and gas, etc. Loans are an option but I'd like to avoid them at all costs. My financial aid is not enough to cover the expenses of school over there - I'll have to take out loans. School out of state is not an option all. I didn't tell them this yet but my decision to join the Air Force is set in stone, they did say to let them know but I said I'll think about it just to relieve them. They're really worried that I would die but I see a future in there for me. It's not like I will be going infantry, I'm not sure if Air Force has that.

Now I'm sitting here asking myself why do I want to join: Honestly, I didn't thoroughly think of my decision because I was such in a bad state with the stuff happening, but now I do need to because for my own benefit and also during the interview with a recruiter (in which I called many times in other cities to see if they're willing to work with my weight issue).  

Why exactly am I joining the Air Force?

One part is that I have no where else to go. Another is that I can't go pursue a nursing degree with my GPA because I already messed up my GPA bad. I can try to get into nursing school but I wouldn't get in, already did my research. I can try another degree like something involving computers, but I would have to take out loans. Loans for my undergraduate years doesn't sound great. I know some college students usually touch loans their junior and senior year of college - not undergraduate. I'm not doing it for the money because people don't join the military to be rich.

Direction in life. 

Some have told me that this will be the worst decision of my life (they have the image of playing that main character in the movie "Behind enemy lines." Others say it might be the best for the best. I have people supporting me and done the research. I'm going have to experience it myself and if it doesn't work out, I'll know figure out something to do with my life. I'm hoping to make AF a career, getting a bachelors will take some time but I end up in the same place - happiness and stability in career aspects. Not to mention the connections that I will be making.

To be apart of something bigger.

I could join a club or something, but I really think that the AF would be like a family to me that I never had because I grew up on the wrong side. Yeah, I'm not gonna expect them to be like family with open arms, but I never really had a chance to really grow up. There's an old saying that says that when enlistees go into boot camp, no matter what branch it is, "they go in as boys, and come out as men." Reality kicks in, and I know what I'm up against. I know I have growing up to do to appreciate things that I have never once noticed in my day to day life.. eg, freedom. 

Quality of life

AF is the newest branch so the bases are newer, chow halls are better, etc. A base sounds like a mini city because they have all the amenities that you can think of.. involving entertainment and basic living stuff you'll find in the civilian world such as movie theaters, laundry, schools, They actually have a business like environment. I heard stories online that they're really on you about shining your shoes and perfection - it's for a good purpose. When you're pressing the red button to launch a missile, you want to make sure that your calculations are correct so you don't end up making a error because that would be fatal.. Well missiles are fatal in general, but you get the point.

Technical jobs

It's known that the AF is called the "chair force." Physical standards are lower compared to other branches due to the fact that AF rules the skies which requires technical jobs and people of knowledge. I know I'll be able to land something in the technical field, if not the medical field. I have to have a high ASVAB score (like the SAT but you take this test and your score determines what jobs you qualify for). 

A purpose in life.

I was always known as the nice boy, but what am I doing to change the world? Am I just sitting here watching the days go by? No, I want to have a purpose, and that purpose is to be committed to defending my country with the people I love. 

Final reason: to prove that I am now a grown, and independent man who is capable of making my own informed decisions that will lead me to success. I've failed many times in the past, but I won't fail up on my dreams. Let me show my mom and those who doubted me how far I can go, because right now they look at me in disbelief that I will even make it. Watch me.

I'm Anthony, and I'm a future airman. 

Operation: BULKING UP!

I just called the air force recruiter today and explained my background in brief detail, why I'm interested in joining and etc. I mentioned that I'm also underweight and he said that I will have to come back when I'm "qualified." Upon researching why waivers weren't mentioned in my conversation with my recruiter, it's the simple fact that the AF is downsizing drastically to the point where they are working to remove people already enlisted.

This leaves me no choice but to start working out and bulking up. Muscle weighs more than fat, so I'm borrowing my best friends weights and keeping cardio workouts on a minimum.

Oh, and I'm underweight because of several factors not worth mentioning that are beyond control. It's not a medical reason, rather environmental reasons involving my mom's boyfriend. Getting prepared is my primarily focus now and I'm putting mind all into this. Anything else that upsets me from now on involving home life will strengthen my focus as this is only one of many obstacles I will face in this lifetime.

I decided that the AF is the best option for me because the Army seems a little too bit overwhelming. Being that I'm going active duty, I want to be treated like a human being, not a statistic. Of course this is the military you're talking about, and you're wondering how I could expect to be treated like a human being - I mean when you compare the experiences of Army and AF active duty members, AF seems like the best bet as quality of life is much better.

Determination is all I need to accomplish my goal, and my number one goal right now is to make the cut to be considered a future enlistee or airman. 

It's gonna be a long road with plenty of road blocks, but that won't stop me because my goals are waiting to be fulfilled.


PS. I'd just like to say thanks to those who helped me through these trials. You know who you are and you guys are the reasons that push my strength even further. 

PSS. I'm home now and everything is still the same but I am only focused on my goals rather than the things that prevent me or drag me down. I'm totally hijacking my neighbor's internet right now.. so shh..

Until next time,

Anthony :)