It's been a while since I've wrote here. It's the last day of 2010 and 2011 is just around the corner. I'm ready for a new start because honestly, when college began things began to skyrocket for me. But everything went down hill around the last two months of school.
I got myself into a relationship with someone who we will call TP. We clicked on so many levels. We began talking over the summer and I guess you can say we sort of rushed into the relationship. We kept an eye on each other since my junior year but we began talking in July. We went out of our way to go see each other as friends and one thing led to the next. Things started getting intense between us and we both fell hard for each other. Head over heals. I was having all the right 'signals' that he liked me. We have had many deep conversations and always texted each other at every second of the day. There's much more I can say, but I'll keep that to myself. I told one of my closest friends who I met in elementary school, her name is Linda, of our relationship and she says that it's like a Korean drama.
We both shared the same language, culture, and all that kinda stuff. His past wasn't so great. His past relationships: 2 girls and then 2 guys. First two girls, I'm not sure if I remember correctly but they left him for somebody else or it was just some kind of "puppy love" affair. The first guy, not so sure what happened. But the second guy, was a horrible person. Lets just say that he did some great harm to him that probably scarred TP's self image. I don't want to disclose any information because I want to respect his privacy even if I'm not with him today.
I dislike his past partners for constantly ruining him. The 2nd boyfriend he had did great harm to him. We both grew up without the father figure. His father was there, but not emotionally. He would take the blame for everything and there was verbal and physical abuse. He has two younger sisters and his dad always values them more. Being the oldest, he takes the blame for everything because of his dad. That father-son relationship is not so great, and still is ongoing today. His past sets the stage for who he is today. He is a pretty damn good actor because he hides all his negative emotions inside. He looks and acts happy from the outside, but sometimes he isn't. He is troubled inside. And he told me I was the first one to see through his mask.. he fell in love with me for who I am. But there was an obstacle that prevents us from being together. That obstacle - I can't state out here because I want to respect him. Nobody knows about it at all. Only FEW people. I'm assuming only his family and best friend, and I know.
It is absolutely devastating to the both of us. He made that sacrifice and let me go so I can find better. The break up happened over night basically. It was over the phone, but I do not blame because it's very painful for both of us to see each other now.
It's not something that has a cure. That's all I can say. But I know he will be around for a long time. He wants me to live my life fully without him. I can do that, but I can't forget about what I left behind.
My actions after the break up were immature because I was a mess. Constant texting/calling when he told me to just drop everything basically. Who wouldn't be in that state? I highly regret letting my emotions take over. But that is all done now. I did everything I could to let him know that I will stick with him through whatever that obstacle throws at him, but there hasn't been any change. I don't expect any change. But I put it out there for him in my emails so he knows that he is loved. He doesn't see value in himself at all. Now I just have to let time heal my heart.
I certainly know that he did really love me. The reasons are valid. What he said to me pierces through my heart..
"If you love somebody, you can love them enough to let them go."
I can't accept the fact that there wouldn't be anybody out there willing to help him through this. Nobody knows about this obstacle. And his parents don't take proper care of him when his world is falling apart slowly inside. That's what kept me going, because otherwise if the breakup was because of some reason like losing feelings - I would of let go a lot sooner. But this obstacle is going to cause him to suffer for life. And he doesn't want that to put me through harder times. So he let me go.. I sound like al ittle kid right now writing this. Perhaps the purest form of love is letting go. And that's what he did.
It was a short term relationship lasting about 1 month and 3 weeks. But it doesn't matter how long it was or how long we have known each other. It felt like bliss because every moment we had together was all happiness and smiles. That's something that he never felt in his other relationships. He felt like this one was "real" and he even considered those other relationships false, and that I am his "first." It hurts a lot to know that he never got the chance to keep his love. We are currently not talking right now and communication with him has been hostile. I think I get the message now so I am finally letting him go. Who knows, he might be mature in the future enough to know that this isn't that drastic that he needs to live his life single. But I don't know the circumstances around this obstacle of his to say anything. The most I can look forward to is a friendship with him, but that won't happen until he is ready and that will come on his own time. It is a fact that he would not date anybody else because that would make the reasons for this break up a lie. I know that he is not the type of person to break up with somebody who is "perfect". We didn't even make it through the honeymoon stage. We were IN the honeymoon stage. He probably found out that the obstacle was a lot worse than he expected. I am no longer in shock and I understand his decision now. I have to accept it regardless and move on with my life.
I had this whole month off to reflect. I'm on winter break right now and it began the first week of December. The break up happened in November and it was a horrible time for me. I could not function properly in class and my mind would wander off, or I would burst into silent tears every now and then. Finals and tests came, and my grades dropped as a result of this because of my concerns with him. I'll be working my way up starting next week because classes start again on Wednesday.
I should of known better. But this will serve as a learning lesson for me; to not let anything get involved with my school work. First relationship, first break up, first mistakes. I have to forgive myself and look on.
I gotta head off now. Might write another post later on today.
Anthony
